Tuesday, July 01, 2008

The Deal Breakers

Ok, this week I am trying to get out of the funk I have been in since the weekend. I haven’t been writing at all, and believe me if I did you wouldn’t want to read it, but I have been wandering around blogland reading other people’s lives. In my workday travels I have noticed that a lot of female bloggers have posted lists of their “deal breakers,” so to speak. They have been quite hilarious to read, so I thought they would be equally humorous to write. So, I wrote this about a month ago and decided today was the day. So without further adieu, my friends, here is a list of Cheese’s deal breakers, in no particular order.

Complains about my smoking.
Listen, I know that smoking is not good for you, so stop fucking telling me. I’ll be honest here, this drives me absolutely insane. Don’t like cigarette breath? Buy me some goddamn gum or kiss my ass.

Bad taste in music.
This is totally intolerable. First of all, N*Sync is not good music, actually you know what, it isn’t music at all. Second of all, N*Sync are not musicians. Third of all, do not ever sing aloud to any N*Sync song in my presence unless you want me to smack you. Period.

Volunteers me for events without prior notice.
Now this shit just drives me up the wall. If you want me to do something, no matter how stupid it is, just ask me, it is that simple. How would you like it if I showed up and told you we’re going to get drunk and then watch hockey with a bunch of guys? Well, then don’t fucking volunteer me to watch So You Think You Can Dance with those stupid ass girls you hang out with.

Tells me I smell.
Have you been outside today? Did you notice that it is like 90 fucking degrees out there? Didn’t I just mention that I was outside working on a semi in overalls for the duration of the afternoon? In the sun? No shit I smell bad. I don’t work at Bath and Body Works for fuck’s sake.

Scolds me about my excessive drinking.
You are not my mother; I certainly would not do those nasty things to you if you were. Therefore, don’t nag me about my being a drunk. I don’t show up all smacked off my ass and make a fool out of myself at important functions, just minor ones, so what’s the big deal. Not healthy, you say? See item 1 above, I clearly don’t care. If I wanted someone to make me feel bad about how much bourbon I drank last night I’d got to AA.

Backseat driving.
If you tell me the guy in front of me is slowing down one more time I will strangle you. See those red lights on the back of his car? Those tell me he is slowing down, see, I already knew that information. Besides, look at your car next to mine. Hmm, I wonder what that big ass trailer hitch shaped dent is on the front of your car? Could it be from running into the back of a truck? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Corrects my grammar/speech.
Do not; I repeat, DO NOT ever correct my grammar or speech...ever. Yes I use the words y’all and ain’t on a regular basis. See item 3. I work at a trucking company and besides, they are both in the dictionary. Think I swear too much? Again, item 3. Think that’s a crappy excuse? Well y’all can go fuck yourselves then, cuz I ain’t gon pay it no mind.

Talks about other men while we are out.
No. Straight up no. Don’t do it. No. I am not going to talk about the hot girl I met at the bar who sucked me off in the alley last week, so don’t tell me about the guy you used to have sex with be so muscular and chiseled. If he was so great where the fuck is he now, hmm? Besides, didn't all those steroids shrink his junk? I'd rather be skinny.

Complains about my eating meat.
I used to be a butcher, remember, it put me through college. It got me my fancy degrees, put a roof over my head and food in my stomach. Therefore, when you tell me to get a different spatula to flip your ridiculous ass Boca burger because the one i was previously using touched beef, don’t be all put off when I tell you to fuck off.

Hope that helps. I also hope that you guys don’t hate me now, but if you do, I’m sure it will be quite easy to find a better read somewhere in blogland. Bye bye.

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