Monday, June 30, 2008

If I Had Tears Left To Cry

You and I have seen a lot of friends lowered into the ground haven’t we, Jake. We have shared a lot of good times together haven’t we, Jake. Got away when we shouldn’t have, gotten by when we shouldn’t have. We have shed a lot of tears together though, haven’t we, Jake. I honestly never thought I would see you lying there like that.

Christ, it seems like yesterday when we were racing tricycles, burning bugs with magnifying glasses, touching our first women. I remember the thrill, we were becoming men, and I could see it in your eyes. They were so bright, that was our time. I would give my life to have those days back, Jake, I swear to God I would. Looking at you lying there, I can’t help but feel some of the blame. I showed you the needle, and I remember it so well. I will carry that memory in my nightmares. That moment will haunt me for the rest of my days.

I tried to cry Jake, I really did. Please, my friend, please believe me. I tried so hard but no tears formed in my eyes. There are none left to cry. We have seen too much, I never thought we would be looking at each other like this. There is no life in your face, no smile. Jesus, Jake, what have we done? How did we get here? How come I couldn’t say goodbye? How come I can’t cry?

We had gone our separate ways along time ago; I couldn’t live that life anymore. I never meant to hurt you, to betray you. It was my fault; I know this now and can do nothing to stop my guilt. I tried so hard to cry, Jake, will you please believe me. I can feel the guilt setting in. I will bear this burden for the rest of my life, I may die but it will pass on to my children and their children’s children.

I murdered part of you when I brought you into this life. I escaped, you did not. Look at where I sit, in my room alone, writing…drinking…trying to cry, but no tears will form. I couldn’t bring myself to talk to your parents; I will never understand how they feel. It is pointless to pretend. It is wrong to imagine myself having something to lose. We had nothing to lose, Jake, but you lost it all didn’t you. I told you to never have any regrets but I was lying the whole time, Jake. I love you. I miss you. I am sorry. I would give my life to go back now, Jake, I swear to God I would. I swear to God I would. You will never know how sorry I am until I see you someday, but even then I will never be able to explain.

Jake, I love you. I am so sorry. I will never forgive myself and I know neither will the guys. We all love you and we miss you so much.

I am sorry, Jake, that I had no tears left to cry.

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