Thursday, December 15, 2011

I'll Be Waiting

I find it quite ironic that I have finally gotten to the point where I am only reader.  I've been wanting for this for a long time.  I thought I could avoid it, but this website fails to let me forget it.  I guess it is just you and I reading this...and let's be honest, we both know you have no interest in reading this.

I thought about it a lot tonight as I was driving home, which is funny because I didn't think about it when I was driving out there.  East on National Ave doesn't seem to be a problem, west is a totally different story.  I'm not stupid, I have a great fear of being alone.  I am so completely content when I head east, I have all my friends waiting for me, but headed west...that is a totally different story.

It's strange to see a pillow next to me in this bed.  I think each time as I get in what it was like to have you lying next to me, but when I wake I see nothing and I remember.  I had this dream the other night, I don't know quite how to explain it.  You were there, you wanted me back...funny, right?  I should have known it was a dream right then, but I couldn't help being sucked back into the life that was you.  I guess I don't know what I thought about the whole thing, I just know that when I woke up and found the right side of the bed empty and...well.....

I miss you.  I don't know, maybe I more so miss the idea of you.  I miss knowing someone was always going to be there next to me when I laid down for the night.  Who am I kidding?  I miss you.  You know, I'm alright with that.  My dear, I'll be waiting.

I am going to try so hard to spread out those eastbound times, times when I am feeling on top of this town.  I am not going to concentrate on the westbound blues that always call your name into my head.  I miss you, regardless of whether the feeling is mutual or not, and I don't feel any shame about it.  I'll be waiting.

Maybe it will be you, I would take you back if you would have me.  The thing is, I know you won't.  I suppose I'll be waiting for someone to take your place.  My sponsor keeps telling me that I will never find a woman who will top you and I agree, I don't want someone to make me forget about you.  I want someone who I can use the knowledge I learned with you.  I want someone who will be there for me when I fuck up.  I want someone who I can be there for when she fucks up.  You were just too perfect...I could never live up to your standards. 

I just want someone, but in the meantime I am happy enough with me.  I know she will come along someday and I hope he comes along for you.  I don't know about you but...I'll be waiting.

Tuesday, December 06, 2011

When I Lie, I'm High

Hi my name is Patrick and I am an addict.

"Hi Patrick."

I don't know how to start saying all of this and I don't quite care what anyone thinks of me for saying it.  It must be said and it must be said aloud.  No more hiding and no more lies.

Some of you now what it took to get me here and I'm not going to rehash an entire life to get the point across to those who don't, so you'll have to settle for the abridged version.  Suffice to say that I am an addict who had someone who truly tried to save me from myself.  I dropped my life and moved to New York for that woman.  I worked my ass off when I got there to make a life with that woman.  I asked that woman to be my wife.

They say that there is no one too stupid for recover, only those who are too smart for it.  Some think that they can do this on their own, that they are somehow better than their addicted peers.  I would be that oh so smart dumbass, but we'll get to that in a minute.

As I was saying, I had this woman once who took it upon herself to save me from my malfeasance.  I lost that woman because I am an liar and a addict.  She left me over the phone while I sat in green scrubs in a psych ward a thousand miles away from home.  So there you go, background.   Now, moving right along, I have a few things I need to say.

I've been having a really rough time getting over what happened in New York, I just can't seem to shake it.  I have been half-assing this program from the minute I didn't have to piss in a cup for this very hospital.  I can't seem to deal with the pain on my own, I keep taking the so-called "easy route."  I wrote this email the other night to said ex, I was drunk and feeling sorry for myself, hoping maybe she would say something that would take this pain away.  Maybe she forgives me, you know, maybe she understands. 

The old quote keeps ringing in my head:

"I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that I can never trust you again."

Shockingly enough she responded, I don't know what I was expecting to hear.  I wanted her to say that she loved me, that she knew that I loved her as well...I guess maybe I'm dumber than I thought.

"I never doubted that you loved me. But the lying came before me. The alcohol came before me. The drugs came before me. I was always last on your list of priorities."

Oh how that stung.  I feel it beating in my chest now, crushing me and begging me to get drunk and forget.  Trouble is that no matter how much I smoke, how much I snort or how much I drink...I don't fucking forget.  That's what makes this next part hurt so much.  You see, she ordered the three things I put in front of her just as they were intended.  They say the steps were written in order for a reason, so were her words.




I'm might be dumb but I ain't stupid, I know why she left me and I fucking knew it before she ever wrote me back.  I've been living a lie my whole life and that lie has taken nearly everything from me, it almost seems I won't be satisfied until it truly takes the last things I have.  That brings me to my point.

I have these two orange keytags, "Orange you glad you're in recovery," you know?  It is more like, "orange you supposed to be clean when you take those fucking things?"  I took both of them under false pretense.  I lied about my clean time, talked out of both sides of my mouth in these meetings and fell back into the same piss poor routine that I have lived my whole life.  I thought for a while it was no big deal, I could hit that bowl one time or have just that one drink.  Kinda threw that theory out the fucking window driving home drunk the other night.  Took a keytag the next night, cause I was to embarrassed to admit it...pretty pathetic, huh?

So like I said before, "there is no one too stupid for recovery, only those who are too smart."  I guess I'm not so smart after all.  See, that email from the woman who ripped my heart out of my goddamn chest told me something I knew all along but did not want to admit.  I am fucking lying again, just like always.

When I lie, I'm high.

I want to give these two keytags back, I do not deserve them and I never should have taken them.  Think of me what you will for this, but it is better to feel the pain now than later.  It is time to take responsibility for my actions and stop hiding.  The lies have to stop or I will never get clean, I will never be happy, I will never hold down a job and I will never find love again.  I can't handle that thought, at least I can't handle the thought of preventing myself from the chance at each of those.  I would ask for your forgiveness but I know the only reprieve that matters is the one I give to myself.  I may fail again but for God's sake I must be honest about it and learn from my stumble.  Life on life's terms, right?

Monday, December 05, 2011

Hiding My Heart

"I wish I could lay down beside you when the day is done,
And wake up to your face against the morning sun,
But like everything I've ever known you disappeared one day,
So I spend my whole life hiding my heart away."

I guess I should be sad as I write this, who am I kidding, I am sad as fuck.  I've had tears in my eyes for the past hour.  I am still so desperately in love with Nicole and nothing makes me feel weaker than that.  I gave up everything for a chance at our love and it was all thrown back in my face.  Quite frankly I am not sure how I am supposed to recover from this.  Not only did I lose her but I lost my career, my independence, my savings and my dignity.  I am almost 27 years old, unemployed and living with my parents.  Even more embarrassing is the fact that they are paying for my Cobra and my car insurance, simply because I have no money to pay for it on my own.  Look where love got me. 

Ah love, it got me sneaking bourbons in my parent's basement and having my dad come down and asking me what the ice was for.  I'm through lying, I'd rather just admit the disgusting human being that I am.  He handed me the drink and told me, "I can't change anything, they are your choices."  Funny, isn't it?  They have always been my choices, just ones I have made so poorly.  These last few weeks I have been in such a cloud of depression that I have a hard time seeing the good in my life.  I, in fact, wonder if there is any good in this life of mine.  I've been thinking a lot about joining the infantry, going to war and seeing if that would change me in some way.  Crazy thought isn't it?  My dad told me it was just another way I was trying to commit suicide.  I told him at least it would be a noble death.  That would be a delusional person speaking.

Now that we are over that (I might as well note that it was blended Canadian Whiskey) I should get back to what I wanted to talk about.  I sat around with the old man for a while tonight, seems like he finally gets me to an extent.  He sat outside as I smoked and listened to me cry over how much I missed Nic.  He told me something that hurt more than anything, "I saw you happy with her."  I couldn't control the tears when he told me that because it was totally true.  I have not been happier than I was with that beautiful woman by my side.  Of course he went into the, "remember how badly she fucked you over," conversation.  I just can't see that right now, I am too much in love.  I truly wish I wasn't.  I wish I could hate her and curse her name, all I can do is miss her like no one else.  I am paralyzed by this woman.  Unable to move forward without a dream or thought of her that pulls me down into such sadness.  I do, however, have a solution.

That was it, I am fucking done.  I wrote earlier on this stupid website that I didn't want to find my dick getting wet in some unknown woman.  I don't care about that anymore, I just don't want my heart getting involved.  My dad kept telling me that no matter what I would someday find a woman who would change all that, someone who I would fall head over heels for.  The trouble is that I've already done that, look where it has gotten me.  I have never felt such pain in my life.  Not facial reconstruction surgery, not kidney stones and not nut cancer.  Nothing has been nearly as bad as this.  So...I've come to a conclusion.  I've stolen it from an Adele song, I plan on hiding my heart.

I guess that someday I will meet a woman who will blow me away, I just want nothing to do with her.  It is not worth the risk.  This pain is so intense that I would rather be lonely than experience it again.  So now we come to the title of this post.  I plan on burying my heart as if it did not exist.  I don't have anything to give anyway, why should I waste my time?  What is the point in putting my heart out there again?  Loneliness seems like such a better option.  I never want to feel this pain again.  This rejection was too much for me to handle, something I still can't cope with.  Why in god's name would I want to do it again?

I'd much rather be alone.