Thursday, December 15, 2011

I'll Be Waiting

I find it quite ironic that I have finally gotten to the point where I am only reader.  I've been wanting for this for a long time.  I thought I could avoid it, but this website fails to let me forget it.  I guess it is just you and I reading this...and let's be honest, we both know you have no interest in reading this.

I thought about it a lot tonight as I was driving home, which is funny because I didn't think about it when I was driving out there.  East on National Ave doesn't seem to be a problem, west is a totally different story.  I'm not stupid, I have a great fear of being alone.  I am so completely content when I head east, I have all my friends waiting for me, but headed west...that is a totally different story.

It's strange to see a pillow next to me in this bed.  I think each time as I get in what it was like to have you lying next to me, but when I wake I see nothing and I remember.  I had this dream the other night, I don't know quite how to explain it.  You were there, you wanted me back...funny, right?  I should have known it was a dream right then, but I couldn't help being sucked back into the life that was you.  I guess I don't know what I thought about the whole thing, I just know that when I woke up and found the right side of the bed empty and...well.....

I miss you.  I don't know, maybe I more so miss the idea of you.  I miss knowing someone was always going to be there next to me when I laid down for the night.  Who am I kidding?  I miss you.  You know, I'm alright with that.  My dear, I'll be waiting.

I am going to try so hard to spread out those eastbound times, times when I am feeling on top of this town.  I am not going to concentrate on the westbound blues that always call your name into my head.  I miss you, regardless of whether the feeling is mutual or not, and I don't feel any shame about it.  I'll be waiting.

Maybe it will be you, I would take you back if you would have me.  The thing is, I know you won't.  I suppose I'll be waiting for someone to take your place.  My sponsor keeps telling me that I will never find a woman who will top you and I agree, I don't want someone to make me forget about you.  I want someone who I can use the knowledge I learned with you.  I want someone who will be there for me when I fuck up.  I want someone who I can be there for when she fucks up.  You were just too perfect...I could never live up to your standards. 

I just want someone, but in the meantime I am happy enough with me.  I know she will come along someday and I hope he comes along for you.  I don't know about you but...I'll be waiting.

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