Monday, December 05, 2011

Hiding My Heart

"I wish I could lay down beside you when the day is done,
And wake up to your face against the morning sun,
But like everything I've ever known you disappeared one day,
So I spend my whole life hiding my heart away."

I guess I should be sad as I write this, who am I kidding, I am sad as fuck.  I've had tears in my eyes for the past hour.  I am still so desperately in love with Nicole and nothing makes me feel weaker than that.  I gave up everything for a chance at our love and it was all thrown back in my face.  Quite frankly I am not sure how I am supposed to recover from this.  Not only did I lose her but I lost my career, my independence, my savings and my dignity.  I am almost 27 years old, unemployed and living with my parents.  Even more embarrassing is the fact that they are paying for my Cobra and my car insurance, simply because I have no money to pay for it on my own.  Look where love got me. 

Ah love, it got me sneaking bourbons in my parent's basement and having my dad come down and asking me what the ice was for.  I'm through lying, I'd rather just admit the disgusting human being that I am.  He handed me the drink and told me, "I can't change anything, they are your choices."  Funny, isn't it?  They have always been my choices, just ones I have made so poorly.  These last few weeks I have been in such a cloud of depression that I have a hard time seeing the good in my life.  I, in fact, wonder if there is any good in this life of mine.  I've been thinking a lot about joining the infantry, going to war and seeing if that would change me in some way.  Crazy thought isn't it?  My dad told me it was just another way I was trying to commit suicide.  I told him at least it would be a noble death.  That would be a delusional person speaking.

Now that we are over that (I might as well note that it was blended Canadian Whiskey) I should get back to what I wanted to talk about.  I sat around with the old man for a while tonight, seems like he finally gets me to an extent.  He sat outside as I smoked and listened to me cry over how much I missed Nic.  He told me something that hurt more than anything, "I saw you happy with her."  I couldn't control the tears when he told me that because it was totally true.  I have not been happier than I was with that beautiful woman by my side.  Of course he went into the, "remember how badly she fucked you over," conversation.  I just can't see that right now, I am too much in love.  I truly wish I wasn't.  I wish I could hate her and curse her name, all I can do is miss her like no one else.  I am paralyzed by this woman.  Unable to move forward without a dream or thought of her that pulls me down into such sadness.  I do, however, have a solution.

That was it, I am fucking done.  I wrote earlier on this stupid website that I didn't want to find my dick getting wet in some unknown woman.  I don't care about that anymore, I just don't want my heart getting involved.  My dad kept telling me that no matter what I would someday find a woman who would change all that, someone who I would fall head over heels for.  The trouble is that I've already done that, look where it has gotten me.  I have never felt such pain in my life.  Not facial reconstruction surgery, not kidney stones and not nut cancer.  Nothing has been nearly as bad as this.  So...I've come to a conclusion.  I've stolen it from an Adele song, I plan on hiding my heart.

I guess that someday I will meet a woman who will blow me away, I just want nothing to do with her.  It is not worth the risk.  This pain is so intense that I would rather be lonely than experience it again.  So now we come to the title of this post.  I plan on burying my heart as if it did not exist.  I don't have anything to give anyway, why should I waste my time?  What is the point in putting my heart out there again?  Loneliness seems like such a better option.  I never want to feel this pain again.  This rejection was too much for me to handle, something I still can't cope with.  Why in god's name would I want to do it again?

I'd much rather be alone.

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