Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Until You Remember

I don't know how I didn't stress over it the few weeks before I left, maybe it was the stop over in Louisville that kept my mind off of it.  I wasn't even thinking about it as I read the signs passing by, the miles peeling away with each passing minute.

"Cincinnati: 90 mi"

"Cincinnati: 50 mi"

"Cincinnati: 20 mi"

I'm doubting you would remember that distance, you never were good with directions, but it was the distance from the I-275 bypass exit onto I-71 headed up toward my old place.  It hit me hard right when I saw the sign for the airport and only got stronger as I grew closer.  Every mile marker on that fucking freeway had some memory of things we had said or done together.  Telling you about the now finished hospital building that I had shipped steel to when it was being built.  Having you nearly naked in my front seat as we passed the Reading Rd. exit.  The feeling I in the pit of my stomach as we would hit the off-ramp at exit 5, knowing that in just a few short minutes nothing would be between us.  Holding your hand for dear life as we drove through the blinding rain to send you back on that fucking plane.

I remember all that shit, same as I did when we visited together.

The difference is now I have to remember all this on my own.  I drove past my old place on Dana Ave., the one we used to make the bed on the floor in, the one I fell in love with you in.  I wanted so badly to pull into the parking lot and sit out on those three steps where we used to smoke together.  Tears already clouded my eyes and I figured I would be better off just passing by.

I could go on and on about all the places I saw your face in, I just don't feel like rehashing that hurt again.  Suffice to say that I saw you everywhere, even in places where so many other memories were born...you took over all of them.  I knew the second I crawled into the spare bed at TJ's house that I was fucked.  I remembered exactly how it felt to have you there next to me, proud as hell that you loved me.  It's no wonder I spent the whole weekend drinking and smoking.

Then again, that is what you wanted to hear...right?

I saw you so much in that place that I could not bear to handle "life on life's terms."  The only thing I could think to do...want to do...was numb the feeling of you out.  Like I said, this is what you wanted to hear, right?  I keep getting the feeling inside that deep down you want me to fall flat so that your decision to ditch me is justified.  That being said, I truly have no fucking idea what you want for me...you won't even speak to me.  Makes me wonder if you're going through the same thing I am.  Am I really alone in this hurt?  Are there nights when you think about me as much as I do you?  Do you ever wake up thinking I'm lying next to you like I do you?

I don't know and I know I never will.

I don't really wonder why you left me, I would be a fool for doing that, I wonder if it hurt to do so.  You damn well know it hurt me, I just wish I could know that I made enough of an impact that you still think about me.  I remember all of the reasons why I fell in love with you, everywhere I turn I see something that reminds me of you.  What I really want to know is if you think about any of the reasons why you fell in love with me?  Do you ever remember me fondly?  Do you ever miss me?  Do you think of me as a waste of your time?  Do you think of me as nothing but a morally weak addict and liar?

Things without an answer, right?

I hope that someday you remember the good things about me.  I hope someday that we will speak again, that I will get a chance to tell you I'm sorry and hear your voice again.  I am holding out on such a stupid and unrealistic hope, something my head clearly knows but my heart doesn't.  I'm not stupid, I just want to know if you remember.  Do you remember me like I do you?  Do you care what happens to me?  Will I ever speak to you again?

Am I the only one of the two of us that feels this pain?  Am I the only one who misses you?  I've never felt so alone.  I miss you Nic.  I wish I didn't but I just can't help it.  Please don't forget me.  I know I'll never forget you.