I was outside on the back deck a few minutes ago, watching the tail end of the Sunday Night Football game through the living room window while I smoked my cigarette. I had been thinking for an hour or so about the next post I was going to write, "Hell Hath No Fury," about how I wondered if this suffering I am feeling right now was her revenge on me for the hurt I caused her. I looked up to the sky and I asked (pleaded) something along the lines of, "what does this mean?"
I went back inside, sat down and turned on my computer all set to write yet another post that would send me to bed depressed. I went to my reader and saw that there was a new post I wanted to read by someone I follow. I felt tears welling up in my eyes when I read the first line:
"Dear ez cheese,"
At first it reminded me of a time when someone else whose blog has long been deleted wrote to and about me, that memory hurt. After a few lines I realized it was something written by someone who does not know me but has felt this pain and wants to see me relieved of it. It is a feeling I am still unable to put into words.
There is a line that struck me in that post, "You truly start to believe (and, eventually, trust) that there is a Higher Power and a plan for you, for me, for her, for him." The "Higher Power" concept is something I have truly been struggling with as I wade through the muck and mire. I grew up believing but came to have that belief shattered as I grew older and things started to get bad in my life. I know now that an indifference to spiritual principles will hinder what little recovery I have gained to this point. Correction, it is something I know in my head but have yet to understand and accept in my heart.
I asked the above mentioned question and looked around as if a fucking bush was going to start on fire or some lighting was going to strike out of the sky. It didn't happen, I flicked my smoke and walked back inside wondering why the hell I even bothered. Then I found this letter, written to me, and I realized that I had my answer.
This is my opportunity to fix the shattered definition of a life and to bring happiness into my world. I have finally started to come to terms with the fact that I am never going to get her back. Notice I use the word "started," I use it on purpose. I can say it as much as I want, "I am never going to get her back," see I just did it, but I know it is going to take time to believe it. What is going to take even more time to believe is that I will someday gain the happiness that I have always missed out on. The catch is I'll only get there if I work for it.
It takes a lot of conversations with my boys, support from my family and reminders from friends I barely know to keep me on track. I find myself truly grateful for all of them but for right now I am grateful for my first "A."