Saturday, November 19, 2011

Things Without an Answer

It has been like this every night for almost two months.  I just can't seem to forget and I'm beginning to wonder if I ever will.  I wish these thoughts didn't paralyze me every day, but then again I wish for a lot of things. 

Mostly I wish for a fucking time machine.

When the sun is up I think of her but I seem to be able to pass the thoughts quickly.  I hear the TV turn on and it plays the same tune the one in our apartment did.  I put on the Rangers sweatshirt her parents bought me for Christmas.  I watch the old shows we used to watch together.  I don't do these things because I miss her so much, I do them because they are part of me now.  When the sun is up I find it much easier to send my mind in a different direction.  Right now is a completely different story.

She comes to me as I try to close my eyes and sleep, something that seems to elude with me each passing night.  I truly wish I could let go of this but I seem to be unable.  There are too many questions that remain and always will remain unanswered.  My mind seems to rekindle the hurt in my sleep.  Funny how you wake up from a great dream (like winning the lottery or something) and then go back to sleep and it is gone.  Funny how you can wake up from a nightmare about being in a hospital and getting shitcanned and then go back to sleep and it picks up right where it left off. 

I don't know if this is part of the process of dealing with the pain of a loss so great as this.  I don't know when, if ever, this wound will not be so raw.  Mostly I hate all of these "I don't knows" that come over me when I hit the hay at night.  I hate that I wish I could go back in time and do everything differently, but the fact is that I wish I could and I can't change that.  She told me once she hated that I had such a power over her, a power over her heart.  I guess I can only laugh when I think that she has much more power over me than I ever thought anyone would.  Well, to be quite honest, I can't laugh at it.  I can't even cry over it.  I fear I would never stop.

I often wonder if I am the only one out of the two of us who feels this hurt.  I wonder if I am the only one who lies awake at night thinking of the one they used to love.  I suppose I shouldn't lie and come right out and say "the one I still love."  Again, I hate that she still has this power over me.  I wonder if she has found someone new, I wonder if she is looking and then I cringe at the thought that I let her slip through my fingers.  I lose sleep thinking about everything I did wrong and everything I had the chance to change. 

It seems I always come back to the one moment when everything came crashing down around me, the phone call.  I remember hearing her voice, so grateful that I had someone who loved me regardless of the fact that I was in a psych ward.  Every night.  Every night I relive the question I asked her...

"What time are you coming to visit tonight?"

"I'm not."

It never seems to end.  The questions never seem to answer themselves and I am beginning to think that they never will.  I go back to all those nights that I cried over how lost I felt in New York and all the times she was my only comfort.  The one I moved across the country for.  The only one I ever considered asking to be my wife.  The only one I ever truly loved.  My questions always remain the same: what is she doing, how is she feeling...does she miss me like I miss her?

Things without an answer.  Things I will never know.  A woman I loved like I never thought possible.  A woman who does not want to speak to me again.  So many questions.  So many answers I will never get.  So much hurt to swallow each time the alarm goes off.  So many questions and so much pain.  Never had I loved like I did with her and never have I hurt like I have without her.

Another sleepless night. 

Things without an answer.

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