Monday, November 28, 2011


I decided to kill myself a bit over two months ago.  I don’t know right now what I was thinking and what my motivation was, but I wanted to do it.  There was one thing…person who held me back.  I thought about her, looking over my grave, unable to forgive me for what I had done.  That thought right there made me turn around and check myself in.

It sure is ironic now that she wants nothing to do with me and couldn’t care less what happens to me.  If I died tonight when I went to sleep she wouldn’t shed a tear, let alone know that I left this world.  Amazing how she totally defined my world.  I would have done anything for her, anything and I probably still would.  I could not bear hurting her…and so I turned that car around.  

Tonight I sat out on the back porch of my cousin Leslie’s house smoking a cigarette and thinking about that afternoon.  I thought about all the people inside this house who actually love me, not ones who just say they do.  Why weren’t they the ones I thought about when I made that U-turn?  I can only see it now, but why didn’t I think about the people who have loved me and proven it when I made that fateful decision?

I was blinded by the “love” of a woman who told me she would never leave me.  Les told me a story yesterday that really hit me hard, a story about when she and her husband got together.  He had back surgery only a few months before they bought this beautiful house that I am in right now and had been given a serious prescription to painkillers.  It seems almost needless to say that he became addicted to them.  Les told me about how much of a mess he was and how she thought about leaving him so many times…but didn’t.  She told me that they had invested too much into their relationship and that she couldn’t possibly walk away from him, she cared for him too much.

I sat there wondering why I was not granted the same favor.  Why was I not good enough for the woman I loved to stand with me when I needed her the most?  I finally realized tonight why my normally passive and quiet brother says he would kill her if he ever saw her again.  She left me in my darkest hour.  She ran because it was the easiest thing to do.  She told me she loved me but would not be my rock when I needed her the most.

So I thought again about that U-turn and why I thought about her instead of the family that would love me no matter how far I had fallen.  They cried when I told them how badly she had crushed me, I could see my brother gritting his teeth.  You see, there are people in this world who will love you for who you are…no matter what.  There are also people in this world who will say that they do but don’t mean it, they will run when the going gets tough.  I am finally realizing the difference.

I may be without the one I loved, but am never without the ones who love me.  I wouldn’t trade that for the world.  I know she loved me; it just hurts to realize that she did not love me enough to stay with me when I needed her the most.  She could say it all she wanted…it just wasn’t the same.    On the other hand, my family never have to say it and yet I know anyways.

I am thankful for my family.  Thankful for those who actually love me, not who just say they do.  I am thankful to be done with the pain and betrayal that was New York.  Thankful to be back in a place with people who care about me no matter how far I fall.  Thankful to be with people who see the good things about me that I cannot.  Thankful for my family, the ones who truly matter.

Thankful that I now see that.

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