Thursday, June 12, 2008

Confessions of an Almost John

I'm not going to write about addiction today. Sometimes I feel like I'm exploiting it to write about it, admittedly, the events of the last post got a bit more out of hand than they should of because I wanted to write about it. When we left and got into the car I was laughing, I should have been crying. I was scared but excited at the same time that I had something so wild to write about. Here, however, is the catch; no one reads this. I am writing this to myself and for myself.

Ever since reading through the Confessions of a College Callgirl I have been contemplating getting a "professional" to come visit me. I would visit Craigslist daily to see what was popping up in the Cincinnati area. I even had made a few phone calls on lunch, asking about rates and such, but never followed through. Maybe I was scared, maybe I had spent all the money on cocaine or maybe I was thinking about my girlfriend.

Our sex life isn't stagnant, its fucking brilliant, and our love life isn't lacking either. So, one might ask, why the hell do you need to get a hooker? Short answer: to write about it. The more and more I think about that, the more and more I am sickened by it. I don't have a problem with working girls or guys who wanna see working girls, I was sickened by the fact that I would so badly abuse M's trust. I would of course never tell her, but that doesn't matter, it would destroy me. I love her, at least I think. She is the only one I ever have said it to and meant it, but I have doubts and reservations about the whole thing. Or maybe I don't at all, maybe I just want to live the life of a bachelor; traveling, fucking, spying on diplomats, shooting guards, you know typical bachelor shit. By the way, on a minor side note, I have absolutely no punctuation skills WHATSOEVER. I mean it, I copied off of Susie Flanagan for years of english classes and did not learn shit. Sorry.

Marriage scares the living shit out of me, and I never thought that I would be 23 years old and thinking about getting married. I am totally serious when I say that I honestly believed my post-college life would be full of explosions, fast cars, beautiful women, drugs, money etc. Yes, I know I was delusional, but that is some fun stuff to think about doing. I recently have been reading a blog by a gentleman named Unbroken (I feel that might not be his real name though) and he has put some serious reservations in my head about going and getting a ring.

What scares me even more is that I was seriously contemplating betraying the only person who trusts me for kicks. Not even for kicks, so I could fucking write about it.

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