Tuesday, July 15, 2008

The Makings of a Shitty Day / The Makings of a Lovely Evening

I am on my last legs at this job. I think I recall my exact words in the interview being, “No fucking sales work,” and yes, before you ask I did say “fucking” in the interview. Hell, when I accepted the job I asked the owner what I should wear, “I don’t care as long as it doesn’t say ‘fuck you’ or have a big cock on it.” Should give y’all a pretty good picture of the company I work for. I was hired to do operations and to be a mechanic, not to do sales work. Fuck, I don’t even make commission, where is the motivation there, huh? Whatever, I’ll spend this “sales time” prepping my resume and writing to you. Sorry, I’m bitching.

In other news, I have this horrible pain in my kidneys and a burning when I pee. No I don’t have fucking Chlamydia you assholes, I am a careful boy. Jerks. No, I have another kidney stone. Yeah I know this is gross, but you get to read stories about me fucking so I can throw in stories about my slowly self destructing body, as well. Last time I had kidney stones (3 of em); I was in the hospital for the weekend of Valentine’s Day and had to have surgery to remove two of them. Oh, don’t worry, though I still had the joy of peeing out one of them. It was about the size of a BB and looked like salt…yes, jagged salt. I cried like a little girl, you would too.

Definitely makings of a shitty day.

However, I had an interesting conversation with my best friend’s girlfriend on Saturday night. So The Girlfriend and I are good friends and she is good friends with my own girlfriend M. I flirt with TGF all the time and The Boyfriend never seems to care, anyway its nothing serious just joking, and have never had any intentions of hooking up with her. Does this sound like a disclaimer or what? So at the party we had been drinking all day and were out in the lawn playing cornhole, standing next to each other when she brought up an interesting topic. Side not: aside from the name, cornhole is the best game ever. Not sure if it is regional or not, but Wikipedia that shit or email me and I’ll send you blueprints to build your own set. “TBF and I have been talking about having a threesome,” I was shocked she was telling me, “Why tell me?” She said that she was just wondering what I thought of it. I don’t believe that shit for a minute, honey. She goes on to tell me that they both want another guy involved, which does not shock me (TBF has already told me this before when we used to live together). She then goes on to describe the guy they want as: someone who has a longer term girlfriend (so he doesn’t fall for her), someone who doesn’t mind fucking her while he sits there and watches, someone who can keep a secret, someone who TBF would be ok with fucking his girlfriend. Yeah, I fit into all those categories. I think she was asking without asking.

So last night over some pints and a game or two of pool, I straight up asked him if he put her up to it. He danced around it for a minute until I finally said, “You ain’t fooling anyone, dude.” He comes clean and admits that he wants to watch TGF being fucked by another guy but he is seriously worried about it because she is a hot commodity and he doesn’t want the other guy to fall for her. Believe me, she is a smoking hot farm girl with a bad attitude, I understand his concern. “Cheese, I don’t know how to put this but….I want you to fuck my girlfriend.” He goes one to say that he wants it to be me because he knows I could do it without falling for TGF (she is too close a friend [besides post-Maria we have learned some lessons]) and he knows I won’t tell (obviously M would be pissed she wasn’t invited). He said he wanted to set up a date for it, “That’s the dumbest fucking idea ever, TBF,” I responded. I told him if it ever did happen it would have to be spontaneous and might need to involve some alcohol to get over getting naked with a guy (although I did kiss a gay dude in Paris…Hey it was Paris who fucking cares). I told him that he definitely piqued my interest and I would let him know.

Now, what I’m not telling him is am totally down with this idea, but he is weird. I know it took a lot of courage for him to admit and ask me that kind of a question. TBF grew up in small town USA where boys seeing other boys’ pee pees is generally frowned upon, so I imagine he had to think long and hard to convince himself he wasn’t gay, which I know he is not…I’m just saying…small town socialization, ya know? I, on the other hand don’t really care, it might be weird for a second, but I imagine that once I feel a female wrapped around me, I’ll forget all about the other penis in the room. Besides I have always wanted to fuck holy shit out of TGF due to her amazingly gorgeous body. What could possibly go wrong? Ok, I know, lots of adverse consequences could take place, but you know me. I don’t do things the easy way. Easy is boring.

Definitely the makings of a lovely evening.

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