"So does that mean you aren't going to my cousin's wedding with me next weekend?"
"Oh ok, uh...alright, look...I'm gonna go I really don't know what else you want me to say."
Its weird, doesn't hurt as much as I though it would. Don't get me wrong...it still hurts. I apparently said some pretty nasty shit to her on Saturday, more than I even imagined. In no specific order the topics of our conversation last night went like so...
I don't want to get married right now (maybe ever)...she does.
We both confessed infidelity.
I drink too much.
She is threatened by every girl I know.
Her hypocritical attitude about everything.
The, "You aren't good enough for me," comments she makes. Joking or not, doesn't matter.
Ok, yeah, the more I think about it, the more it hurts. Not because she is gone, but because we could have fixed it so long ago if we would have tried. Things would be ok if we would have just talked away our problems instead of fucking to make up. You know, earthshaking sex always seemed to hide problems we had, guess I thought with my cock for way too long. "I'm tired of this Cheese," she said. "I am too, but in the same sense I am not. You know I love you and I need you, right?"
"I'm not so sure anymore."
Christ, that hit me right in the chest and took my fucking breath away. I need a drink. I can feel tears welling up in my eyes. Don’t let her hear you cry. Don’t. Fuck me, what have I done. I guess this is what my honesty gets me. I had lied to her for so long about trivial shit that when I finally pulled the wool off her eyes, she couldn’t take it. She didn’t cry, though, she had known all along. “Look I don’t want to lose you, not forever,” I said, “Just give me some time to think,” she replied. What choice did I have?
There was so much said in that conversation that I don’t even know what to write. I sit here in my office staring at the screen, just plain not knowing what to say. I don’t want sympathy and I don’t want pity, not what I need. I don’t really know what I need right now, except her back with me. I honestly thought she would put up with my shit forever, what a fool I was. I tried to text her this morning that I loved her and was sorry but she said, “This isn’t how a break works, Cheese.” I guess she’s right. She said she will talk to me when the school year starts again and she begins teaching. I guess this is my free pass to go fuck anything with two legs and a pussy, but I just don’t have the urge. TBF said he was taking me out tonight and buying all my drinks, at that rate I might not be breathing tomorrow. I think I should stay away from bourbon for a while, but when I get home and I get that little itch I know the first place I’ll go for support is the bottle.
In the words of the hooker from How High…”Who da bitch now, bitch.”