There are three people who live inside of our head and our names are P (me the real me, the ego), Cheese (the smart ass, best described as superego), and finally EZ (the id). When we would get really out of control, our good friend Boo Ya would try...we repeat try, to calm us down by saying, "Eeeaaaaasssssy Cheese," when we were about to lose it (Yes Cheese really is our nickname in real life). From that point on EZ became a sort of alternate ego to P, our true self and our beloved ego. He was the personality that led us into trouble. He was the one that begged us to live dangerously. EZ is the one who shot up, who tried to hang himself from a ceiling fan, who sold cocaine, who carries a gun, who drinks until sickness. EZ is the enemy, he always has been, but until now we have never known his real name. EZ is the one who puts his hand through drywall and wakes up on the kitchen floor. EZ takes pain and turns it into anger and aggression. He throws punches and spews curses. He is a monster.
You know P and Cheese from the tales of hopeless romanticism and confident swooning, respectively, but you are only beginning to get to know EZ. He isn’t around much, he doesn’t need to be. His operation is swift and quick, his damage is done with efficiency. The truth is, I…er P, we mean, has absolutely no control over EZ. EZ is his exact opposite, the yin to P’s yang. He is the kryptonite for P’s Superman…he is unstoppable. EZ comes in times of turmoil, when shit has hit the fan and simply won’t stop coming. He sees the pathetic P lying around drowning in his sorrows and it disgusts him. He tells P to pick up the bottle and when P doesn’t give in, he takes control. It is frightening because P watches it happen, as if someone else is operating his body by remote control. P, however, has no control. EZ will tell Meg she is a cunt. EZ will threaten his friends. EZ will drive drunk and laugh when his friends tell him to take a cab. EZ is the enemy and he always has been. He thrives on suffering; it is fuel for his fire. He doesn’t leave until the pain is gone and, like a shark to bloody waters when it returns he comes back to feast. He is a monster.
Now Cheese on the other hand is the guy who charms people. He likes everyone and he wants to be liked, he is the life of the party. He cares dearly about his friends and it hurts him when he sees them in pain. He will do anything for his friends, he would lay down his LIFE for his friends and he fucking means it too. He knows EZ well, he wants to see him tortured, and he tells P that EZ is a worthless cunt who should be crucified. P knows this, he isn’t a fool, but his pain clouds his judgment and his lean towards the bottle only weakens his defenses against their common enemy. You see, Cheese is the smart one, the clever fuck, the witty one and he knows what is going on...he always knows what is going on. You have to be fast of your feet to keep up with Cheese. It is his advantage; he is always striving to be one step ahead of the game. He tells P to light up a joint and devise plans, plots and schemes, “keep that mind working, until you figure it all out,” he demands. He knows what makes EZ tick; he is not blind, for he feels the same pain that the other two feel. It makes them brothers. He hates to see P with his head in his hands crying, but what he hates more is seeing EZ in control, careening down the freeway drunk at 2:45 in the morning. Believe us when we say that if it wouldn’t kill him too, Cheese would put a gun to our head and pull the trigger simply to kill EZ. That however is not how Cheese works, he is a superhero not a villain, and he is forever plotting.
Like we mentioned before, Cheese knows what makes EZ ticks…he is the smart one. EZ operates with his fist and his mouth whereas Cheese operates with his mind and his wit. Therefore, luckily for poor P stuck in the middle, Cheese is always one step ahead of EZ. See, he knows about EZ’s appetite for destruction and he knows that pain makes P weak and susceptible to EZ’s influence, this is why he plans. He plans to not be hurt, he strategically places his words and calculates his moves with brutal efficiency. Cheese will talk you out of your panties, and he’ll make it worth your while, too. He is a master at getting himself out of tight spots and wants to makes sure the pain never comes. He gets us laid, he wins our arguments, he defends us in the morning after EZ went ballistic, and it is he who is the only one who can save us from EZ.
The reason we are telling you this is because when we woke up on the kitchen floor yesterday, we knew he was back. His calling card is a bruised fist, from epic battles with inanimate objects which we always seem to lose. When Meg didn’t call today and when she didn’t call yesterday, we felt his grip. EZ was back, we knew it when we threw up across our bathroom yesterday…he was laughing. Giddy, like a little kid, simply because we were suffering again. He saw P cry on the way home from work, he saw him fall into his bed and hold his head in his hands. He saw him weeping, weakened and broken. P doesn’t show people this side of himself, he is embarrassed, but when EZ smells blood it is all over. He made this painful for us to type. He wants us to spit beer in girl’s faces and call them sluts. He wants us to curse our friends and burn our bridges. He, unfortunately, is alive and kicking this very instant. We can feel him rattling around inside us, but tonight we can’t hear him. We are stoned, chilling, listening to Jay Z, writing and drinking tea…yes we are drinking tea…AND IT DOESN'T EVEN HAVE BOURBON IN IT. Believe us; we are as shocked as you are. The point here, and the glimpse of hope, is that Cheese won tonight.
Cheese spent all day today on the prowl…planning. Believe us, he is not devious and he never wants to see anyone hurt. Cheese wants a good time and he wants everyone around him to be having a better time. He will go out of his way to make you feel at home, to make you his friend and to show you fun. If you look at him the right way he will kiss you. He will take you home and make you feel like a lady, shit, or a nasty slut, whichever gets you off. Cheese wants to get you off, to make you cum…it makes him cum and therefore makes us cum. See, he knows what things make P behave like a strong man…shit; P needs to get laid just like everyone else. He sees the future drought coming and he, always two steps ahead, is already plotting. In fact he is responding to one of Jen’s text messages as we speak…or type, whatever fuckheads. Cheese thrives on good times and pleasure and he sincerely has P’s best interests at heart. Unlike EZ, he doesn’t want to drive 90mph drunk off his ass on the highway, unlike EZ; he actually cares that it could kill us or someone else. Besides, Cheese figures that maybe he could help that cute girl he’s been talking to all night with her cab fair and get a drink at his place. See, Cheese is always thinking. This is his slow and sexy way of killing EZ and the destruction he brings to our life. We love when Cheese is in control. Cheese makes it possible for P to love, he makes it safe and he encourages it. He only wants P to be happy and he would lay down his life to do so…if only it didn’t mean laying his down as well, ya know?