Monday, July 14, 2008


Let’s talk about confidence, or rather, the lack thereof. I was always the smaller kid when I was younger, not a good thing when my other defining characteristic was being a nerd. So I got beat up a lot and made fun of constantly, really did wonders for my childhood self image. I would never dare speak to the girls my age unless they were asking to copy my homework, to which I would reply stammering, “Uh um uh ok.” No, reader, I was not always the suave, muscular, witty bastard who you read today (ok I’m still none of the above). Ladies and gentlemen I was a tool.

So confidence was never my strong suit, I made up for it in other ways. Sarcasm was my greatest ally along with this other awesome defense mechanism known as being cocky. Let me tell you, being cocky is a great strategy if you are really into getting the shit kicked out of you. Needless to say I am quite well versed in taking a punch to the face (clench that jaw!). By the time I got into my later teenage years I figured out how to get over all the small shit that bugged me out when I was younger and grew out of the cocky stage (plus I started smoking pot which chilled out my serious ADHD and actually made it possible to talk to me). I was getting there.

I lost my virginity to a girl named Amanda when I was 17…in my parent’s bed, creepy, huh? She was older, in college and she was…hot. Hot. What the hell was a hot girl doing having sex with me? Especially one in college. She told my friend Annie that I was great in bed; thankfully I had watched so much porn by that point that I knew my way around the wonders of a woman's body a bit. That one singular event put a smirk on my face that has never faded. It was the first bit of confidence I had ever tasted, it was powerful and it felt wonderful.

On a minor side note, stay tuned for “Story Time Part 3” now that you've had the teaser.

A few events over the past few years have shaken it and even lost it all together, but it always finds its way back. Lately, I feel more confident than ever; like a whole new me. I know for a fact that writing helps and there are certain people out there who give me a boost, regardless, I am confident. I was at the bar on Friday with a bunch of friends, glass of bourbon in one hand and cigarette in the other, having a fucking blast. All night I was shamelessly flirting with my friend Jen, grabbing her ass and whispering shit in her ear. I didn’t go home with her, partly because of the recent Maria fiasco, mainly though; I wanted to cause trouble and get drunk with the boys. Confidence leads me to believe that I sent her home with an ache in between her legs and a desire to fuck me, I am in no rush. Confident.

So later on a waitress at the bar came up and sat with us while taking our orders, she was damn good looking. My buddy Jack just got back from the bathroom and said, “Damn Cheese, who is this?” “Jack can’t you see she works here, besides she is way too hot to be sitting here with me,” I jokingly reply. Now the waitress, apparently missing (or just not fucking caring about) the compliment I sent her way, goes, “You should really be more confident, it makes you totally unsexy.” Now normally I would have been a bit irritated by this comment and would ignore it, but I was drunk and holding a great trump card. I wait a minute for her to enjoy the laugh she has just roused from my friends before...wait for it…wait for it….waaaaiiiitttt for it. Now. “You have terrible breath, want some Orbit,” is my response. The table erupts in laughter; she scurries away with a horrified look on her face. How is that for confidence, bitch? The bouncer made sure to mention he wasn’t very happy with my behavior as he threw me out into the street, I was still laughing.

The cabbie and I had a fucking blast on the way home, hollering at women out the window the whole ride back.

Waking up on Saturday morning I felt like a train just hit me in the face. I couldn’t remember shit. Where is my car? What are these bruises and scrapes? I texted TJ’s girlfriend, “When either you or TJ wake up will you please call me and tell me what the holy fuck happened last night, thanks.” They called back about an hour later and we laughed about poor behavior for a bit.

So, because of my confidence level I made two decisions Friday night which I get to ponder. First of all, leaving Jen all hot and bothered was a good decision. She told TJ that she was going to, “jump my bones,” next time she sees me. Which leads me to my next decision, Sully’s is her favorite bar. I am not necessarily welcome in Sully’s anymore. Let’s problem solve here people. I’m confident we’ll figure it out.

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