Monday, October 17, 2011

Your Lies Become You

There is a great difference between character defects and the disease of addiction., unfortunately I suffer from both.  The trouble is that my addiction brought my defects out into the light in a nasty way.  You've heard this before, I am a liar.

A friend wrote to me that they thought that my writing was just for me, true to an extent, but I am guilty of playing the persona game and exaggerating or completely fabricating details of my life to help me tell the story of it.  This space was supposed to be my place to be honest with myself and I have failed in that task.  I have failed in that task for most of my life and for that I carry a great amount of shame.  For too fucking long my lies have become me.  For too long I have watched my relationships fall apart and for too long I have carried that blame on my overburdened heart.  Being an addict only made this worse, I constantly had to hide things from those I love and eventually I turned them against me.  This last time hurt more than all of the other times combined, I realized tonight that it was the last straw.  I cannot do this anymore and expect to be happy.  I have to change.

Too little too late.  I've lost so much and am so embarrassed.

I cannot go back and erase the errors of my past, no matter how much I wish I could.  I cannot go back and unhurt the people I have caused so much grief to.  I can only go forward and make sure that I do not lay waste to someone else I love so dearly as I did the last. 

"I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you."
-Friedrich Nietzsche

How true that statement is.  There are so many people that I know who will forever look at me with skepticism whenever I say something.  The only truth that I see right now is that I cannot change that fact, I can only move forward.  If I continue to sit in the shit I will only be sitting in the shit.  I have to get up and change the fact that I am a liar.  I may not be able to go back in time and right all of my wrongs, but I can look at my life today and make sure that I do not commit any more sins as I move forward.

I have to see myself for what I am, for what I have become.  I cannot run from this anymore and I certainly cannot hide behind more lies.  Look what it did to me the last time, I barely survived it, God only knows what will happen the next.  The truth is that there can be no next time, I must make sure of that each and every fucking day I draw breath.  If I do not, no one will ever believe me again.

I listen to this song almost every day.  It helps remind me that I must fight this battle against my lying tenancies every day.  If not my lies will become me and I will be forever remembered as a no good liar.

How did I get here without you
It's a miracle we're all sane
We're kinda like sucking a vacuum
Or booking a flight on a doomed plane
Well you claimed you could read the future
And I'd say that you've nailed that down

You still want everyone to love you
Well here's a tip of my hat to your big brain
Do you really believe they can't see through
A circus punk playing a foul game

Let me cast you a light, one that's natural
And with me you can strike that pose
And you melt for the camera
Cause your lies become you
Yes, your lies become you
Yes, your lies become you after all

How am I living without you?
I'm not even sure now that I'm sane
But this little dog's got enough sense
To know not to sleep in the cold rain

How are you doing without me?
I'm sure you've found some new game
I never wanted to miss you
But then I never thought I could dig pain

Hope it's warmer for you, princess
I in fact hope it's hot as hell
And you get what you asked for
Cause your lies become you
Yes, your lies become you
Yes, your lies become you after all

-Monster Magnet

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