Tuesday, October 18, 2011

The Blue Notebook: Chapter Eight

Chapter Eight

Perhaps the question is just, why do I continue to subject myself to torture when it comes to a fling such as the one on my mind right now?  This is so irrational that I can't believe it.  The constant up and go pace of my life from work to school, friends, constant city changes leaves me exhausted maybe more than I had realized in the past.
Then I fall into the emotional traps that kill me and haunt me when I turn the lights out.  It just doesn't seem like me who is out there living life to the "fullest."  I always feel like I'm putting on a show for one fuck or another.  I am positive people would like me so much better if I wasn't always so strung out on sadness which most of the times is greatly exaggerated or quite possibly fabricated.

Maybe I take comfort in in, and I do have artistic surges and ideas of epic proportions when I'm down.  Perhaps I'm in love with my sadness.  I must be, if I was a bitch I would be the biggest drama queen.  I miss Climax and Dan and Mike.  I miss the unpredictability and potential of a day in the Nati.  But maybe that was why shit hit the fan when I went psycho in Chi Town on the Saturday when I got back.  I was just keeping myself distracted.  But my gosh does it work.

It was painful, though when I was done being preoccupied.  But for a while it was fun.  At this moment all explanation escapes me.  Waking up at 6:00 AM every weekday is gonna kill me, but I'm getting paid bitches.

1:28 AM 5/21/05

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