Monday, October 31, 2011

On Second Chances

For so many nights since I lost the one I love I have laid awake thinking, "How could she do this to me, how could she not give me one more chance?"  I started to hate her for not issuing me one final ultimatum, "Do _______ or I am going to leave you."  Instead she just left me.  No goodbye, no last kiss and no closure whatsoever.  I have never felt so much pain and bitterness in my life, it has begun to consume me.  Why didn't I get just one more second chance?

I am slowly coming to the realization that I did not deserve another chance.  What a painful thing to have to come to terms with.  Even harder to deal with is the fact that she did give me second chances, third chances, fourth chances and so on.  I was simply too fucking stupid and lazy to realize that she was trying.  I was too fucking stupid and lazy to change when she asked me too and it cost me everything. 

So many times she asked me not to get fucked up and I went ahead and did it anyway.  So many times she asked me to be completely honest and I went ahead and lied to her anyway.  So many times she asked me to put my all into my treatment and I went ahead and half-assed it anyway.  No wonder she left me, I did not deserve her.  I was too blind to see how badly I was hurting her and finally she could not take it anymore.

So here I sit, all alone and so depressed.  How do I move forward with this "second chance" that has been laid so cruelly in front of me?  See, the truth is that I have not truly viewed this as another chance.  I have been seeing my current situation as a product of my failure and in a sense it is nothing but that.  In another sense, this is the chance to look deep into my heart and try so hard to turn myself into someone deserving of another shot.

I want nothing more than to fall in love again, to get another chance at giving my gift to someone who needs it.  I so badly want the opportunity to hold another beautiful woman and to have her tell me that she loves me.  What I want more than anything is to not need another second chance, or at least to be deserving of one.  Right now, in my current state, I am not worthy of love.  I need to change my ways so that I do not hurt another woman I proclaim my love to.  I need to change my ways so that I do not force her to leave me and rip my heart out again.

I need another shot, maybe not with the one I still love, but another shot nonetheless.  I can only pray that I do not fall short again.  God only knows what it will do to me if I do. 

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