I see you every day and I wonder how you are still carrying on. You have been shit on so much in your life and you still keep on going. You have overcome abuse, beatings and a few serious drug problems and you still persevere. You are far stronger than I ever thought you could be, don't you see that? You can get over this too and you will be fucking fire tested when you come out on the other side. Don't you see that you have so much strength and so much potential for love and good? I don't really know why I'm asking you that, I know that right now you don't. That's alright, it doesn't make it any less true.
Remember that phrase they tell you in the meetings? "You are not responsible for your disease. You are responsible for your recovery." You have to take that advice seriously and we both know that you are trying so fucking hard. Don't give up. Make sure that you keep in mind that recovery is not just you learning to live clean, it is you learning how to live honest and well. It is about learning to be happy, don't you see that?
You think that you don't deserve to be happy and I think you don't deserve the criticism you constantly level on yourself. Take the nail out of the board before you beat yourself over the head with it, will you? You have just lost the love of your life, it is OK to hurt right now. It is healthy to hurt right now. If you weren't something would be wrong with you, but you are and you are learning how to live with that pain and that takes strength.
I know you are tired of fighting, I see it in your eyes and hear it in your voice. You think it would be easier to blame yourself, give up and go under. We both know that you have too much conviction to do that. You were born to fight, my friend, and this is the fight of your life. I know you won't shy away from it.
You keep saying that the worst thing about this whole breakup is the fact that you have no closure and I get that, I really do. The thing is, she does not want to give it to you and you need to learn to live with that. You hurt her, but do not forget that she hurt you too. I know that deep down you want her back, no matter how much you try to tell me otherwise. The simple truth of the matter is that you are not going to get her back, regardless of how much you straighten your life up. You need to grow accustomed to that fact and learn how to move on; more importantly, you need to learn how to be happy. Happy with yourself. I know that is something you haven't been in a long time and it is something that I know you want.
"How am I going to do that?"
Well my friend I really don't know, but what I do know is that if you don't try then you will never succeed. Just try, OK? You don't need to worry about everything that will happen in the future, you just need to worry about today. I'm not saying that you should just give up trying to better yourself, I'm just saying you need to take it slowly. Remember, you are home now. You are with your family and your friends, the people who REALLY care about you, not just SAY that they do. It is OK to lean on them a little, they love you.
Look, all I want is for you to be the brilliant person you know that you are. Someday, if you learn to be happy with yourself, you will make some woman happier than she ever has been. If you are ready she will make you happier than you ever have been. If you are ready, that is the key, you have to be ready. Just keep fighting, I know you will.