Monday, October 31, 2011

Starting Over

I wish I didn't have to write this, but it is essential.  I relapsed, more accurately I have been relapsing for the past week.  I'm sure this is information my insurance company would love to know but you will be the only ones.  For now at least.

It isn't as if I was out shooting up or blowing lines, no, I simply had a beer or two and hit a bowl a few times over the last week.  I should be beating myself up, as it is my M.O., but I cannot go that route.  I don't really know what to do except to admit it.  So here I am admitting it.

A lot of people would say, "what's the big deal, it was just a few beers and a couple hits," but I know I can't operate under that way of thinking.  I took a step onto a very slippery slope and I need to get off of it.  The trouble with relapsing for me is not so much the using, it is the lying.  I let lies destroy my life far more times than I care to admit and I stepped back onto that slope again tonight.

I went to my NA meeting that I go to every Monday night and my sponsor immediately said to me, "Hey it's thirty days for you, let's get you a key tag."  I was too ashamed to admit to him that I did not deserve it.  He read off the key tags and called me up when he got to the thirty day tag.  I took it. 

I feel like a fucking thief.  I don't know why I took that tag, or why I haven't told him that I relapsed (even if it was minor).  I am ashamed of my actions and I don't know what to do about it.  I know the answer is honesty, but I do not wish to hear the disappointment in his voice when I tell him.  I guess that has been my problem for a while now; I don't want to hear disappointment in the voices of people who care about me so I lie to them.  Sometimes they find out and decide to be done with me, other times they never find out...but I always know.

This pattern of behavior makes me hate myself.  I am disgusted that after such a short time I am back committing the same sins that got me into this position.  I cannot continue to act like this if I ever expect to be happy and to love myself.  If I do not love myself, how can I possibly love someone else?  Love is what I want more than anything.  I want someone to love me unconditionally, something I have never known, and I want to be the person that she deserves...whoever she is.

Right now I am not that person nor do I think I ever have been.

It is time to change.  I say that all the fucking time, don't I?  Now it is time to actually do something about it.  Tomorrow I will call my sponsor and tell him that I did not deserve that key tag, but I will still keep it.  I am going to pin it to my bulletin board to remind me that I have more than one problem to fight.  I am an addict and a liar.  They are both intertwined.  One feeds off of the other and they both seek to ruin my life.  They have both succeeded in the past and if I continue on this road they will succeed again.

So unfortunately it is time to start over, I guess I am not as strong as I thought.  Maybe I should stop trying to be strong.  Maybe I should listen to the suggestions that others have given me.  Maybe it is time to actually surrender and to start over again.  Maybe it is time to admit (and actually believe) that I am powerless.  I just have to keep coming back, no matter how many times I fall short...I have to keep trying.


Anonymous said...

Damn. I wondered if you went back out. Tomorrow is a new day, I suppose.

Question, though, do you really feel like you falling into it again is a "sin?" Isn't the definition of being an addict is they aren't physically able to moderate whatever substance due to their chemistry. Yes, the mind compells but,for them, it's a completely different, unstoppable, reality.

Anyway, keep posting. If not for you, for us.

Fucknuttery said...

"Keep coming're in the right place." Unconditional love is a mind-blowing concept. Humbling.

ez cheese said...

I guess I didn't do enough "research and development" already.

I've been nothing but humbled lately, just waiting for that unconditional love thing...

Fucknuttery said...

My sponsor is who truly taught me about unconditional love. From what I understand, that's typically the way it goes. Learning to trust that she'd care about me nomatter how much I'd messed up, shown my ass (as she says), or slipped back into old behaviors/habits was a weeeeee bit difficult (sarcasm). Learning that no one (but me) expects me to be perfect was even harder. Finally, accepting and believing in a Higher Power was the hardest. But, it comes...if you keep coming back. :)

ez cheese said...

Seems like I've got a tad bit of difficulty in my future, eh?

Fucknuttery said...

What's that saying? "If you're going through hell, don't stop." It's already difficult, no? What makes it bearable are the meetings, a sponsor, the literature, and the knowledge you're not going through this alone. That others have walked the exact same path. That your stubbornness will actually be an asset in this refinement process. That you WILL find the love you seek, but it will come in forms you never expected (ex. sponsor, Higher Power, new friends, etc). That, on most days, you will become and be the person you always knew you could. AA promises:

ez cheese said...

Amazing how I started this blog writing about drug abuse and now I'm reading 12 step sites.

Ah irony.

I'll get there eventually, just have to keep at it.