Thursday, October 13, 2011


I'll just make this real simple for you; I'm having a fucking hard time keeping it in my pants.

I've really not been single for nearly six years so I'm having a bit of difficulty adjusting to my new situation.  I "graduated" from my partial hospitalization program today with what one might call flying colors, but my counselor had two final pieces of advice for me.

"Remember that you need never settle again.  Choose your next lover very very carefully."

"Either your computer is going to catch a virus or your dick will.  Your choice."

I had to laugh at that one, not because it was so humorous to hear him say, but because it was so fucking true.  You see, since I've been off the drugs and not drinking I've been more horny than a goddamn teenager.  Anyone who tries to tell you that smoking weed constantly does not kill your sex drive is either stupid or a liar.  I feel like I am fucking sixteen all over again, Christ I've had more erotic dreams in the past three weeks than I think I've had in my entire life.

Now you might be sitting there asking yourself, "Well what's the big deal, just go out and get fucked."  Therein lies the problem, I'm on the rebound. 

Since I'm back in Milwaukee and single, you could say I've ran into a few girls I used to know when I wasn't single and...well you can put two and two together.  Or can you?  See the trouble is that I've been turning them all down, I haven't had a wet dick since New York.  Now I bet you're really confused aren't you?  Well let me spell it out for you.  I can't afford to jeopardize my clean time or my life with sex. 

If you've been reading this for long enough you'll know I used to have a little segment called, "Story Time."  Sure it was fun to sit and write up all those old stories of fucking girls I really didn't care about, but there was one problem with each one.  After my dick went off, I felt like shit.  I am one of those guys you might call a "romantic."  I have a hard time fucking a girl I don't care about because I always feel like I'm using her for sex, regardless of whether or not she was using me too.  Right now I don't need to be out fucking girls I don't give a shit about because after a while I'm going to start feeling like dick about myself.  When I feel like that I want to get high or drunk.  If I do that, Lord only knows what will happen next.  I seem to remember being quite good at going on self-destructive benders when I was down on myself.  We don't need that happening again.

There is a second reason I can't get into bed, and it is far more dangerous than the first.  If I catch feelings, I'm in big fucking trouble.  As much as I dislike admitting it, I am extremely vulnerable right now.  I have had my heart ripped out of my chest in such a manner that it has completely redefined my understanding of pain.  Before last month I didn't think it was possible to experience the level of sheer agony that I felt after being dropped like 8:30 am Philosophy class.  I am in full rebuilding mode, standing in the middle of the reconstruction site that was my heart.  I cannot bear to have the progress I've so rapidly made come crashing down.  If it did I could very easily find myself at the bottom of a bottle or staring at the point of a needle again.  It's just that fucking simple.

I'm like a raw egg right now; one little crack and my guts will come pouring out.  I need a bit more time in the pot before I am hard-boiled enough to withstand a bit of a drop.  So if I find my cock wrapped nicely inside some pretty lady somewhere sometime soon and I happen to get feelings for, her who the hell knows where I'll end up.  I might end up with my future wife, but I could just as easily end up with the woman who will RE redefine pain for me.  I sure as hell don't need that because I am so fucking fragile you might as well put a stamp on my forehead. 

So let's get back to my dick, shall we?  I've decided it best to put a little sentence on my little friend, one year.  I figure it will take me at least one year to get my shit fully together and be at the point where I can put my heart back at risk.  Who actually knows if I'll actually make it that long, honestly I'm surprised I've made it this long, but the point still remains.  I am too vulnerable right now to risk having my heart broken again.  If it does I will most likely end up doing a back flip straight off the deep end.

Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, I am built with a heart that falls in love easily.  I figure the quickest way for that to happen is to be out getting laid, I might just end up sticking my dick into a razor wire trap.  I am just not strong enough right now to be out there hanging that fucking thing in the air and waiting to see what lands on it.  I just can't take that risk.  I have to put myself and my recovery first at all costs.  Let's not bullshit each other here, my addictions came quite close to killing me.  Too fucking close for my liking, at the very least they helped destroy a life I had worked so goddamn  hard to build.  I simply cannot afford to put my new work at risk.  God only knows what will happen. 

So there you have it, no pussy.  I'm not gonna lie, it really sucks.  I mean it really fucking sucks, but this is the position I have put myself in.  I've made my bed and now I've got to lie in it.  Alone.  At least for now.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a date with my right hand.  Have a nice night.

1 comment:

Janeway said...

There have been (and are) many people with normal, even high, sexual needs who find themselves in essentially the same situation as you are in.

Suppose your spouse loses interest in sex, or is in some way incapacitated. Or suppose you are a member of a celibate religious group. Your needs and desires are still there, and can be sometimes nearly overwhelming. And you're left with a choice. Some people choose (and I believe it's a choice, always) to go the way of putting their needs first. Others?

What happens is that they, like you, have decided that they have committed to something that is of greater value to them than the fulfillment of this basic human need. Maybe it's their commitment to their relationship with their spouse, or their commitment to the vows they've taken for their religious vocation - whatever.

For you, it's the commitment to a radically different kind of life.

I think you have the strength of will for this kind of struggle (and it *is* a struggle)as well as the strength of purpose - the ability to put the long term good that you want above your immediate need.

It can be done.