Reading this old notebook is really something. It is like I was writing myself notes to reread in the future so I did not forget where I came from and what I had been through. I must admit, however, that a lot of what I am finding inside it truly disturbs me. I read back into my life six or so years ago and realize that I have come so far but am still stuck spinning the same wheels I did when I was twenty.
I know that I have grown and learned so much about life, but I still see so much of myself in these pages. I am still and addict, I am still a liar, I am still a womanizer and a heartbroken fool. I think I am beginning to see the reason why I decided to pick this scab and put this all down again. There are things about myself that I despise and that have constantly ruined my life and fucked up my plans. I cannot run from these things anymore, for they always seem to find me one way or another.
It seems that no matter what I do, lie or truth, something always goes wrong. Something always blows up. It does, however, seem more and more apparent that as I walk through life I am only hindered by my own demons. If I do not face them and defeat them they will destroy me or at the very least turn me into something completely evil and unrecognizable. I must delve deep into the depths of my soul and weed out the evil that has taken its hold on me. For too long my addictions have forced me to lie. For too long those lies have turned those I love against me. For too long my loved ones turning against me has caused me to run to drugs and drink. For too long I have repeated this cycle in my life. It is wearing me down.
Götterdämmerung is a German word which roughly translates to the downfall, twilight or doom of the gods (or so my computer tells me), but it is a word that I have been meditating on quite a bit lately. I know its translation but am just beginning to understand its meaning and how it applies to my life. I do not yet know the full answer, but am beginning to realize it.
Digging into the meaning of the word I came upon the story of Ragnarok, an old Norse tale about the end of the world. It speaks of a terrible battle which in the end will destroy the earth, causing it to sink into the sea. In this battle the forces of good and evil will collide and eventually the fire giant Surt will set the world on fire. After the fire, however, a new world will arise from the sea. This world will be green, verdant and peaceful. According to the legend neither pain nor misery will survive in this new world and everything will exist in harmony.
I seek this harmony in myself as I always have, but have forever struggled to find the means to attain it. My answer lies again in fire. In order to find harmony in myself I must purge all of my old knowledge and behaviors with fire. Fire is the great cleanser, ridding the world of plague and disease. I must apply this fire to myself. When the burn has been completed a new life will spring from the forest which was once choked with overgrowth.
I have already begun to set the fire. I seek to purge myself of the evil that consumes me. I must be victorious, for my very life depends on it. I must break the cycle and restore order to a body and mind which have not known it in many years. When properly ordered I will flourish and reap the rewards that have always alluded me in the past. I seek to better myself from within. I seek redemption for my sins. I seek to become whole. I seek to live up to my potential. This will be the most difficult battle I have ever fought. It will take me years to wage this war, but wage war I must. I cannot simply let this enemy live inside of me any longer. It has hurt too many people, myself included.
There may come a time someday when I feel that I have attained my goal and restored order to my spirit. It is at that time that I will know my battle is not yet finished. I must wrap my mind around the fact that this battle for harmony and peace will never be finished, I will forever be waging this war.
Sometimes I wonder how I can possibly carry on fighting a war inside of myself every single day. How can I fight day in and day out and not grow weary? The answer is that I cannot, no one can. I cannot fight myself and expect to survive, I have to surrender to the fact that I am not a perfect being. This does not mean that I will give up, simply that I will resign myself to the knowledge that I will never be perfect. Sooner or later I will slip up and someone will get hurt, regardless of how hard I try. I cannot fight the fire, I have to sit back and watch it burn. In doing so I hope to learn what it is about myself that makes me hurt others. You can only fight an enemy that you know and know well.
I find myself very confused as I attempt to conclude this. I do not know whether to fight or surrender. Perhaps I must strive for a balance between the two. Perhaps it is better to surrender myself to the fact that I am a wicked being and fight that wickedness when it arises. Perhaps not. It seems like it will be a never ending struggle, but a struggle that I willfully engage in. I cannot simply sit on my ass and expect to change, it is something I must struggle for.