Wednesday, October 19, 2011

The Delicate Balance

I have been on a binge of sadness lately and I cannot seem to get over this hump.  They tell me in therapy that it is going to take a long time, well that's just fucking great.  I constantly find myself swinging back and forth between anger directed at two people.  One week I am angry as hell at her for leaving me in my darkest hour, the next I cannot even look myself in the mirror because I know that I caused all of the problems that led her to do so.  I am not rational right now, I am not seeing things as they truly are.  I see only the negatives, even though I know there are some positives.

I am told that I need to find a balance between these emotions that I am feeling because today I am in full self-crucifying mode and it is wholly detrimental to my battle with addiction.  I could go back and cite countless examples of when I went out and got fucked up when I was feeling down on myself and not a single one of those times would be more painful than this one.  I guess that is the trick, isn't it?  I'm not fucked up all the time so I am feeling the pain in a much stronger dose than I ever have before.  There is no escape from this now, I have to face it head on...balls forward, as they say.

The deck was stacked against me from the start when I moved to New York.  I had no family, no friends and in the end no real support network to help me when I needed it.  I had only her to rely on, far too much to ask of one person.  Or was it?  I know that what happened was caused mostly by my actions, or lack thereof, but I was the one who took all the risk.  I was the one who moved.  I was the one who changed jobs.  I was the one who left his friends and family.  I was the one who lost the money I put into the ring.  Was unconditional support really that much to ask?  I know that I did not work as hard as I should have to fix my problems, but I did work.  I fucking tried, I just did not know how bad it really was. 

It doesn't matter anymore.  I am just so sick of this pain.  I honestly have no idea what propels me to wake up each day.  I have no fucking closure at all.  Just a raw ending and speculation as to why it happened.  I truly wonder if I will ever recover from this pain, I know it will be nearly impossible with no forgiveness from the woman I loved...and still love so much.  I hate saying that, it makes me feel so weak.  Honestly though, I am so tired of being strong.  It has gotten me nowhere. 

I get that this is a wake-up call to change my life, but why does it have to be so fucking painful?  Had I truly become so wicked that I deserved to be hurt in this fashion to have my eyes opened?  I am so tired of this.  I see so little in my future, regardless of how many fucking people tell me otherwise.  Why did she have to leave me when I was fighting the battle for my life?  I understand that she left because she did not feel that I was putting in the effort to get better, but my God, why did I not get a sterner warning?  Why do all these questions have to stay unanswered?

She said not to contact her so that we could both heal, but this is doing nothing but making it worse for me.  I honestly do not know how to press on anymore.  I am quite unsure of what good will come of me fighting this anymore.  I am so tired of waking up each day and having all of these questions, this guilt, this anger and this pain crushing my throat.  I guess the pain is how I know I am still alive, it is defining my life so much more than it ever has. 

So I guess this is the delicate balance, a combination of anger and sadness over how she left and anger and sadness over what I did to cause her to leave.  It feels so much worse than directing my anger solely at her or solely at myself, but at least it is real.  Real fucking painful.  I need a reprieve from this, I honestly do not know how much more I can take.  I just need some closure.  I need to be forgiven and to forgive.  I need to forget.  I can only hope I get one of those, it would relieve so much of the sadness.  I, however, have a very real fear that I will never get to feel that reprieve.  I fear that I will live in this pain for a long long time.  That makes me wonder why I continue, and that is a thought that truly scares me.

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