Monday, October 17, 2011


It is something I haven't found much time to do over the past few years of my life.  It is something I didn't have much use for over the past few years of my life.  It is something I haven't taken the effort to do over the past few years of my life. 

I lost my religion many years ago, partly my fault and partly the fault of the church.  I stopped going years ago and stopped praying many years before that.  Now here I find myself issuing one to whatever higher power exists up there.  It is a truly humbling experience and I've been having a lot of those lately.  I have truly been knocked off of my high horse and am discovering that the earth feels a lot worse than I remember it to be before I climbed up onto it.  Here I sit.

I don't know what to say to you, whoever you are, but I know something is out there.  There are no coincidences, no such thing as luck and no such thing as meaningless events.  Now that the haze has cleared I am finding out that I sit here in this chair for a reason.  I understand that you are trying to show me something, I just wish you would make it more clear.  I'm asking you for a favor here.

I need so much from you these days that it isn't even funny.  Show me the way.  Show me why you put me in this situation.  Show me why you have taken me down so far.  I know you want to see me reformed, but I really do not see the light on the other end of the tunnel.  I am not going to give up, I just wish you would give me something to strive for.  I wish there was some end that I could see to this. 

I am quite confused these days.  All I ask is that you show me something here, show me a sign.  Give me something to work for, something to hold on to.  I am not asking for much, just something to keep me going.  I will keep working, like I always do, just give me a bit of a lift here.  I suppose it will all come with time but I sure am sick of wading through the shit to get there.

Like I said, just show me a sign.  Show me something to remind me on nights like this why it is I continue to fight.  I know there is a reason, I'm just praying that you make it clear.


Anonymous said...

Question: Are you in an AA program? You mentioned your group work. Is it connected to a "Higher Power" idea?

ez cheese said...

Not AA, NA and yes it is. Just not a specific higher power.