Last Night

Ok I was honest…if that isn’t enough then go fuck yourself. Call me a dick, I already know I am. Fuck that’s the second time I heard that shit tonight, bitch. Just remember I have no one to send this text message to. No one to fucking calm me down. It is just me. I don’t need to be honest, I just do it. Dick or not, you can shove it up your bitch ass. Don’t be so vain…this isn’t about you.

Yeah I been drinking, so what the fuck you gonna do about it? It doesn’t mean shit to you when the game is over and we go home. Fuck it, it doesn’t mean shit to me either. I just drank 7 pints of Guinness, dare me to drive? Oh, I’m crazy…well tell me something I haven’t already heard before. I just keep doing this shit because I like hearing you people say it. I’m just doing this because I am still hurting, sorry I don’t mean to take it out on you. I really don’t. Or maybe I do, yeah fuck it. Fuck you.

Fuck it, it is EZ time. I’m drinking straight out the bottle, she still hasn’t called. That is why I have nowhere to send this text. No one cares. No one gives a fuck. Not one fucking person gives a shit. Even in this stupid fucking blog world…you only care until your internet is signed off. I am a ghost, not a real person…not black or white; just a ghost.

As much as I like to tell myself that I am fine, I know am only lying. I hate lying to myself…because I believe it. So fucking gullible, “look what’s written on the ceiling.” Why am I writing this, because this is my space…my space to be a psycho. This is my space to be a fucking nut and a whacko. This is where I deal with these backstabbing ass mother fuckers with out shooting any of them. This is my space, understand? Mine. I have no one, remember. I am an island, a wounded animal. Wounded animals are dangerous….

You think I am so weak, don’t you? I hate that. Why does it even matter, I don’t even exist. When I sit here at my computer; drunk and high…I am not a real person. I never have been anyways. I have never been real, truthful or not. You know what, when the fake world turned me away, I turned to you. What a fool I was…thinking you cared. That’ll teach me. Don’t be so vain, this isn’t about you.

How many times do I need to be told I am acting like a dick and need to fuck off in one evening? Why the fuck do you think I called on a Thursday night at one in the morning for? Why the fuck did I walk all the way over here? It is my own fault for fucking my head, but you can go fuck yourself for letting me do it. It is so much worse in person, cunt. I knew what was going on the whole time. Why even bother leading myself on…I ain’t worth a shit anyways.

Know what, TBF, you can go fuck yourself too. You knew what was up and I was honest with you too. Faggot, you narced on me, told her my secrets. I TRUSTED YOU. I was just getting comfortable with doing it in this stupid ass arena, but so far honesty in real life has been nothing but trouble. Why do you even give a shit, because TGF doesn’t want you anymore? Because you have no job? Because your friends are all shitheads? What the fuck did I ever do? Man, you fucking bitch, you KNEW my head was fucked from hurting her and you fucking did that shit out of spite. Go fuck yourself; I am simply text and words to everyone else. But you…you are my friend. Ha, I mean were.

It wouldn’t have been such a big deal if I wasn’t already pissed off and you didn’t fucking lie to me. OH YEAH, thanks you fucking assholes, of course I fucking remember that I’m a liar as well. Thank you for the reminder. Call me a hypocrite all you want, you can go shove a pole up your ass. I don’t give a fucking shit how many times I have lied…I don’t fucking like being lied to. Hypocrite or not, I just don’t give a fuck.

You know what? I’m fucking goddamn tired of trying to convince myself that this shit is cool. Done bullshitting. I’ll fucking lie to you all day and it won’t sweat my conscience at all. That fucker is dead anyway. The one thing I have learned is that I can’t be lying to myself. I am not cool. I am not right in the head. I am a good faker, but I said I would be honest. I ain’t that strong, tough or committed; I just get stoned and drink. Don’t fucking like it? Don’t want to hear me talk about self-destruction. What the fuck makes you think I care? Know what, if you don’t like it I don’t give a fuck. Like I said, go shove something up your fucking asshole.

Look, I’m just a kid…23 years old, don’t tell me to act my age. Don’t tell me to straighten up and don’t tell me what is best. I’m so sick of your stupid ass cunt fucking whore stupid ass fucking bitch text messages. Know what? Every fucking time I feel my phone vibrate I have three reactions.

1. Throw this fucking piece of shit against the wall.
2. I fucking hope it isn’t you…I hope it is MEG…or someone else.
3. I wish it would explode in my pocket.

Go fuck yourself, bitch. Know what, all y’all go fuck yourselves. Fuck you for making me proof read. Fuck you for making me edit my grammar. Reader…go FUCK yourself. I’m drunk and I hope you find a better blog anyway, “there is always someone better,” someone once told me, and I ain’t it. I’m just some fucked up, stupid, wanna be, punk ass mother fucker. This nonsense might make a difference in the short term but when I get in control I just don’t want to hear any of your fucking shit. LET me smash my hand through a glass door and go to the hospital. WATCH me start a fight with a man twice my size and get beat up. DARE me to call that girl a bitch and get slapped. You BET I won’t put that cigar out on my wrist, watch me…it feels good. Believe me that I wish I was lying about. You think this is all a joke to me, don’t you? Well, my friend…it is. This whole “life” game is just a fucking game to me a, “Cosmic joke with no punch line.”

I am not ok and I am not alright and I am tired of fucking lying about it. It fucking flames me that I lied on this stupid fucking blog. I am not surprised…the true asshole comes shining through. Asshole or not, I do owe you an apology. Pretending to be ok…haha, what a fool I am. Well I’m coming clean now, so fucking line up bitches…take your shots. On nights like these, I used to turn to her…now I turn to a bottle and a keyboard. Fuck all this shit.

So yeah, I lied. Get used to it. Apparently this little experiment that my stupid ass set up isn’t going to work. See, when I get control, I make all the lies come true. I am just not alright. I like being sad, I want to be fucked up and I don’t give a flying fuck what it makes me. I have been in one fucked up situation or another for my whole shit life and I am pretty good at figuring them out. Honestly, I am afraid of being happy. I really can’t ever remember being happy so it is kind of foreign to me. All this tough talk and “Fuck you” nonsense spewing out of my mouth is just jibberish. Look at me.

LOOK AT ME.

I am just a scared little kid. Afraid to grow up, afraid to succeed. Full of lies and excuses. Why do people even care? I just want to run away but I’m too much of a pussy. I’m not anything interesting or magnificent; I’m just a kid…a scared little kid pretending to be a man. I wonder if I even fool people anymore. I don’t even want an answer to that question. It feels so good to be honest, but then it turns around and slaps you in the face. Go fuck yourselves. Everyone out there, fuck you. All y’all…fuck you. From this scared and scarred little kid to the rest of the world…kiss my ass.

What am I supposed to do, huh? Go to therapy? You must be kidding, take their medicine…now you have me putting up my defenses. Want me to stick it out? Want me to toughen up? Quit crying like a little bitch? Come here, I’ll fucking show you who is crying now. Truth is when EZ gets behind the wheel it is no holds barred baby. No limit. This flesh machine that we ride around in doesn’t mean shit when I am in control. I’ll throw it off a cliff just as soon as I’ll get it laid. It is just flesh and bones to me…and it’s soul? That soul is just a tattered sheet in the wind. Not even worth saving. Let it go…let me go. I can only destroy.

Just fucking remember one thing before you leave…please…you are still talking to that same scared little boy. I’m just scared right now. It all seems so big. To big to be all alone, to be betrayed. Too big to have no one to get my back. Too big to go it on my own and too big to admit when I was wrong. If only the kid would have had heard from you today, maybe we wouldn’t be here right now. All I know is that you are moving back this weekend and I still haven’t heard shit from you. fuck

Well…you know here I live.

Look at me now
I've got no religion
Look at me now
I'm so vacant
Look at me now
I was a virgin
Look at me now
Grew up to be a whore
And I want it
I believe it
I'm a million different things
And not a one you know

Hey, and our mommies are lost now
Hey, daddy's someone else
Hey, and we love the abuse
Because it makes us feel like we are needed now
But I know
I wanna disappear

I wanna die young
And sell my soul
Use up all your drugs
And make me cum
Yesterday man,I was a nihilist and
Now today I'm
Just too fucking bored
And I want it
I believe it
By the time I'm old enough
I won't know anything at all

Hey, and our mommies are lost now
Hey, daddy's someone else
Hey, and we love the abuse
Because it makes us feel like we are needed now
But I know
I wanna disappear

"I Want to Disappear" Marilyn Manson.