“Am I evil? Yes I am.” Diamond Head.
I grew up in a staunch Irish catholic family and was an altar boy for a long time. I volunteered and went on mission trips to the poorest counties in the US. I served communion and worked with kids on their way to be confirmed. I was a good boy, but I was hiding something.
I remember discovering masturbation. I would lock myself in my bathroom and touch myself until I was raw. I knew (or at least thought) that it was wrong, but I could not stop doing it. I remember getting hard and not wanting to, I thought I was evil. Seeing myself cum would provoke guilt until I became a teenager. I was slowly beginning to realize what I was becoming. I got into drugs with the same result, I knew it was wrong but it felt so very good. I could not stop.
I was torn.
I lost my virginity in my parent’s bed. I recall how guilty I felt afterward. I also recall how that guilt faded from a shout to a whisper as soon as my newly devirginized cock found its sloppy wet home again. I was slowly devolving. I was becoming something else, peeling back my skin to reveal something different. I was unwittingly digging through my insides extracting something new and vile. I struggled with those things for a long time until I came to a simple conclusion.
If this is evil, well than I am evil and it feels fucking good. Years of heavy drinking, drug abuse and sleeping around destroyed my religion to a point that it is almost unrecognizable. I don’t care anymore about my moral compass. I know what is right and what is wrong. I know when I am willing to step into the realm of evil and when I am not. I know the consequences of my choices and I know how to throw caution into the wind.
But you…YOU, are pushing me. Pushing me where I shouldn’t be going. Pushing me where I don’t want to go. Pushing me into Sodom and Gomorrah. Pushing me to become evil.
Pushing me, shoving me.
How is it that you know my perversions better than I do myself? How is it that you know the fantasies that scare me? How did you know about knives? How do you know my sexual mind better than I do?
So you pulled it out of me today, something I did not know I wanted. Something that I don’t want at all. Something that scares me, that angers me, that makes me jealous, something that makes me want to scream. But, something that gets me hard...a video of you with another man.
It would make me wince and grit my teeth in seething anger. It would make me want to punch something. But it would make me want to touch myself, against my will. I would sit there and know it felt good for you, I would watch your face contort with pleasure and I would cringe. I would grow hard and wish I was not. I would not be able to turn away. I don’t want to watch it but I know I do. No, you know I do. You bring out the worst in my sex. You bring out the insults, slapping, choking, knives and vile behavior that I have tried so hard to resist.
But resist no more.
I remember how I wanted to tell everyone about how I had discovered masturbation; it was awesome so how could I not? Then my shame hit me and reminded me what I had been taught. It was wrong…no…it was evil. The same is true with you. I want to tell everyone about this vile little thing I have rotting inside of me, but I am ashamed. I am ashamed to admit all the horrible and demeaning things I want to do to you. I am ashamed to admit all the degrading things I want you to do to me.
I am ashamed and I am evil.
But that does not mean I’m going to stop.
Saw that gap again today.
While you were beggin' me to stay.
Take care not to make me enter.
If I do we both may disappear.
I will choke until I swallow.
Choke this infant here before me.
What is this but my reflection?
Who am I to judge and strike you down?
But you're pushing and shoving me.
You still love me and you pushit on me.
Rest your trigger on my finger.
Bang my head upon the fault line.
Take care not to make me enter.
Cause if I do we both may disappear.
But you're pushing me, shoving me.
Pushit on me.
Slipping back into the gap again.
I'm alive when you're touching me.
Alive when you're shoving me down.
But I'd trade it all for just a little bit of piece of mind.
Put me somewhere I don't wanna be.
Seeing someplace I don't wanna see.
Never wanna see that place again.
Saw that gap again today as you were begging me to stay.
Managed to push myself away, and you, as well.
If, when I say I may fade like a sigh if I stay.
You minimize my movement anyway.
I must persuade you another way.
There's no love in fear.
Staring down the hole again.
Hands upon my back again.
Survival is my only friend.
Terrified of what may come.
Just remember I will always love you.
Even as I tear your fucking throat away.
But it will end no other way.
It will end on other way.
EDIT: My sincerest apologies to all fans of British heavy metal as my stupid ass misattributed the lyrics to "Am I Evil" to Metallica instead of Diamond Head. I will now flog myself to make this right.