Will we like each other?
Will it be weird?
Will we hate each other?
Will she punch me in the face as promised?
Will we not be able to keep our hands off of each other?
Will she tear up when I leave?
Will I have that horrible ache in my chest when I get on the plane?
Will we fall in love?
All these fucking questions floating in my mind. I feel like I’m doing us both a horrible injustice by constantly worrying. These fucking worries. Keeping me up at night, staring at the ceiling, smoking cigarettes, thinking. I swear this is the worst kind of torture. Not knowing if this is right or if we are just spinning our wheels. I know how I feel right now and I know how you feel, but who’s to say that we will still feel like this on that Monday.
I can feel it already. It is going to hurt badly, isn’t it, my dear? Bittersweet is so much worse than just plain bitter. That is if this is even the outcome, why am I speculating? I told you once before that someday if we both know that this is right, I will let nothing stand in our way. Not age, not distance and certainly not insanity.
I’m in love with someone I’ve never fucking met.
I am insane.
But then again so are you, so what’s the problem. I’ve been nuts my whole damn life and I think that’s one reason you are attracted to me. If all else fails, I have a lifelong friend. I value that, it’s how I sleep at night. But I have to be perfectly honest with you. That isn’t all that I want.
The frustration is boiling again, except this time I don’t feel like fucking it out. I feel like waiting for you. I am going to wait.
At least that way I’ll know.
You calm me down with a few keystrokes and I’m fine again, I’ll stow those thoughts away. We can joke and insult each other while talking about how bad we need to fuck, I love doing it and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I’m back to normal for the moment. Look I can’t help it that I get this way, its just who I am. I play hard and sometimes that causes bruises along the way. I honestly just don’t know how to properly process or deal with this, it’s all new to me. I think the thing that really screws with me is knowing what I stand to lose if I fuck up.
This is all speculation…all of it.
I will leave it be for another month…just one more god damn month.
Then shit is really going to hit the fan.