Paranoid

What am I trying to write to myself? I stare at this screen as I write this and I can watch the letters appear in response to the movements of my fingers. If I don’t look at my fingers I type quite awkwardly, as if I were learning to ride a bike once again. You know my brother turned 21 years old yesterday and he still can’t ride a bike. Ok but I’m getting off topic.

By contrast if I sit here and watch my fingers dancing rapidly across the keyboard I look up to find that entire paragraphs have been written on the screen before I even realize the thoughts had been wrenched from my head. I can stare and stare and write without my instant urge to correct every mistake that appears on the screen at any given interval during the writing process. But then, like this instant right now, I look up and I see the words that I have written and I must correct them, enhance them to make them tell me something I just can’t see, something that isn’t there.

I am utterly convinced these words are out to get me.

11/11/08