Sunday, November 30, 2008

One Moment in Time in a Midwest Town

It was odd to walk back in here alone. Stepping through the door I could still smell her throughout my apartment. Alone again but not at the same time, she is still here. I can still feel her hand on my face.

I watched her walk down to the security check in, I could see the tears in her eyes as she turned around and disappeared from my sight once again. I choked back the tears, ran my hand through my hair and turned to walk away. I sat there in my car, smoking a cigarette and thinking about the conclusion to this utterly perfect weekend. Everything had gone right, everything went smoothly and for the first time in so very long I felt at peace.

We laid there in my bed, our sweaty skin pressed together in the aftermath of heaven. It was a conversation that had been looming over our heads since the moment I got in that cab almost two months ago. We both knew that this couldn’t continue forever, it was taking too much from our souls. It was on the tip of my tongue; I knew it burned on hers as well. Neither wanted to say, neither wanted to hurt the other but both knew it had to pass.

“What are we going to do?”

I heard it in her voice a few weeks ago; I could sense the loneliness and the anguish. I knew because it was present in mine as well. Something had to change; even though it might crush each of us…it had to be done. I told her that I didn’t want her to go back to being alone. I love that woman way too fucking much to hear the pain I cause in her voice, to see those tears in her eyes. I knew in my heart that I wanted her to wait for me forever, but I knew that was not just.

If you love her, you will set her free.

I told her that she needed to find someone back home that would love her the way she deserved. I felt the tears run down my cheeks as I said it, but I did not stop, I told her what I needed to say. So did she. She made me promise not to go back to drinking. I promise. She made me promise that I would take the first step towards my future. I promise. She made me promise that I would stop treating myself like crap. I promise. My love, I promise you these things because it was you who helped me see them. We must carry on, but we will forever be together.

We laid there in silence for a few minutes before she finally said that she would never let someone take her for granted again. I can’t possibly explain with these words how that made me feel. I hate her blog because it is a collection of tales about a bunch of cunts that didn’t realize what they had in front of them. So many nights I have been unable to sleep, upset beyond belief thinking about how fucking unfair it is that those fools had an opportunity to love her and they treated her like meat. How horribly unfair it is that I love her like I have never loved before and I can’t have her like I want. Such bullshit that those fucking morons had a chance with the most incredible woman on earth and they let her go. Fools, the fucking ignorant fools, if they had only opened their eyes they would have seen the same thing I do.

I told her I never wanted her to go back to Craigslist and I never wanted her to settle. She needs a man who will love her like I do but who can be there in a way that I can’t. “Don’t you dare settle, don’t you dare let some man hurt you again and promise me that you will find someone who will love you like you deserve to be loved.” She gave me her word and for the first time I realized this was not a one way street. I had shown her something about herself, just like she had shown me something about myself. I helped her, I showed her how someone should treat her, care for her, pamper her and love her. I know that she understood.

That made me…no that makes me feel like a man, to have the guts to say something that broke my heart because I knew it was right. I love her, I can’t subject her to the torture of waiting for me…and that is why I let her go.

But, my heart could not let her go without telling her something. It became apparent while lying in that bed that this feeling was not going to disappear. I said that I would always love her, and I meant it. When the same words came out of her mouth I knew it was the God honest truth. She said that maybe someone was up there looking down on us, how else could we have found each other? Maybe she was right.

Are you still up there? Do you still care about me, even after all the evil I have done? I think maybe you do, otherwise…what did I do to deserve this woman?

We laid around watching football all afternoon on the bed we made on my living room floor, eating cheese and crackers. It was so simple and yet it was so very perfect. I finally had the opportunity to treat her like my girlfriend, if only for three days, but it made me so very happy. Maybe it was a glimpse into what could be someday, maybe not, I’m not going to sit around thinking about what might have been. I won’t sit here and ask myself, “What if,” and I won’t cry over things that can’t be right now.

You know, I feel like I should be sad…but I’m not. I feel like my heart should be broken…but it isn’t. I feel like I should be crying…but I’m not. I am content. I am smiling. I am happy. For once I know I am worth more than I gave myself credit for. Why would she bother to love me? Because I am worth it, I am worth something. So strange to read that, but what is even stranger is that I actually believe it.

You know what? For once I am smiling and for once it isn’t a disguise.

I’ll leave it at this. This weekend will forever be a memory of a perfect moment in a Midwest town that I used to hate. I saw a different city when I crossed the river on the way back from the airport. This moment changed my life, and coming back into Ohio tonight, I knew I was a different boy…no, a different man. For she is not just a woman, she is the woman who made me a man; she is the one who saved me.


I never would have loved you this way if you weren’t worth it.

Love always,


No comments: