Tuesday, November 04, 2008

On Forgiveness

We only realize our mistakes after the shit hits the fan. Foresight slips away in the spur of the moment and will leave us to wallow in our sorrows. That guilt will hit you like a boxer’s fist to the chest, only you will never fully regain your breath. The instant pang of regret that forces the cold sweat from your pores and the knots in your stomach will cause you to cringe. Realizing that it is too late, that there is nothing you can do, will leave you broken and battered.

Getting up, however, is what will put you back together.

When you look at yourself in the mirror after taking a crushing blow, you don’t see the same person. Admitting fault is so very important but it eats you up inside and in the end it changes nothing. Meg came to me not too long ago and asked me for forgiveness, I told her to fuck off, but I said it out of principle. Look contrary to the way that I might portray myself I am not an asshole, the bad things I write about keep me up at night and cause my nightmares. I don’t derive pleasure out of hurting others and I don’t get off on rubbing their mistakes in their face, even if they weren’t mistakes but premeditated lies.

I have been thinking about it a lot lately and wondering if I am simply the pot calling the kettle black. I made my fair share of mistakes and have told my fair share of lies and got pissed when I wasn’t forgiven for them, as if I was owed. I inflicted so much pain on that woman over three years and she always took me back and forgave me, why am I so self-righteous that I can’t return the favor.

I have no intention on ever taking her back, but I see no point in letting her drown in guilt for the rest of her life. How cruel of me, how hypocritical. We all need forgiveness whether we deserve it or not and I’ll be damned if I am going to go down as the asshole who threw away a friend. You don’t spend that long with someone and then cast them aside that easily. I could do it out of pain and thankfully it has let me put her down and while I do not miss my girlfriend Meg, I certainly miss my friend.

Admitting ones trespasses takes a lot of courage but forgiving means so much more.

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