Best Man?

I understand why you did it, but I still don’t agree. You’re one of my closest friends and we have seen each other through more than a few tough times. I will always be there and I will always support you, pit bull, remember? But when you called me and asked me that question I felt my heart sink.

“Will you be my best man?”

You know I don’t like her, I never have, but I’m not going to sit here and tell you all the things I despise. But seriously, there are some things that you need to open your eyes and see.

When you moved to Texas, you moved alone with the knowledge that you would know no one once you got there. You moved with the idea that after a few years of hard and miserable work you would be able to return and live the life you wanted. I backed you on that choice even though I wanted you to stay. I took your calls and we talked for hours every week, I could hear how lonely you were and how much you just needed a friend to talk to about the general stupidity of our species. I knew it was only a matter of time before you couldn’t take it anymore. So when you told me that she was moving down there I wasn’t angry, I understood but I was still sad.

She cheated on you constantly and she did it blatantly, as if she wanted you to know. Yeah, I cheated too so what could I say? You guys broke up for 10 months and within that period of time she had a baby…one that didn’t look like you. She moved down and the baby and dog came with her. As if it wasn’t enough for you to work sixty hours a week, now you raise her child as your own while she gallivants around Dallas. You put up the money for the house and you pay the bills. You work third shift when they need you and I never hear you complain. What does she do?

She works at Pac-Sun in the mall…and she isn’t even a manager.

So I watch you slave away at a job you hate, raising her kid while she works a part time job and you make the mortgage payments. I must admit, it drives me nuts how quickly she forced you to grow up and how she leaves all the responsibility on you. There is so much more I could say, so many other transgressions, but you have heard them all before.

The question I have is: how do I tell you that this is the worst fucking idea I have ever heard? How does one tell one’s close friend that his fiancé is toxic? How does one say to a friend, “Hey she is a fucking worthless user”?

I can’t go on not saying anything, you are my friend and you will have to live with this mistake for the rest of your life. But I seriously wonder how you will take it, you aren’t exactly the biggest fan of constructive criticism, you know? I just want you to open your eyes and see what is happening around you. You are raising her kid and she doesn’t help. She stays out all night every night. You have strange numbers calling all the time and she spends hours on the phone with them. Open your eyes man, you are whipped.

So, tonight you are in town and we will go out drinking and watching Monday Night Football and we will talk about things separated friends talk about. I just wonder, how the hell will I not say anything? Should I say something? What happens if I do? What happens if I don’t?

Ugh, I wish you were gay, that way I wouldn’t have to worry about being your best man.

Unless of course Ohio or Texas were to legalize gay marriage in our lifetime.

Yeah right.

11/10/08