I’ve become a bit of a local celebrity. I go to a local bar/restaurant for lunch about twice a week and have been doing so for almost a year now. The thing about becoming a regular at a place like this is that the help really gets to know you. I used to walk in and have a spot at the bar waiting for me. Wilma would fix me up a bourbon and coke and turn on CNN as soon as she saw me come through the door. A few months ago I told her to hold the bourbon and just leave me a coke when she sees me, but anyways.
As I was saying, I’ve become a regular in this lunchtime Cheers environment so everyone knows my story. The girls who work there, Wilma especially, have been prodding me for info and giving me advice about “this mystery girl I’m seeing in NY.” They know just about as much as you guys do, even to the point that I have been asked for my blog URL…not happening. In any case, they knew she was coming this past week and have apparently been dying for details.
I pulled in to the parking lot and flicked my burned down cigarette off the hood of the Escalade parked next to me. Walking awkwardly across the icy parking lot I came to the door, shivering as I walked in.
“Oh oh oh Cheese is back,” said the owner, as she emerged from behind the hostess station. She put her arm around my shoulder as I headed to my spot at the bar. Wilma had my Coke ready as I sat down at the second chair from the right, turning up the volume as CNN talked about the war in Gaza.
“So…….” she asked.
Well I told her. I gave her the God honest truth about every fear, expectation and worry I could possibly conjure up. The other girls came and went, but Wilma stood, one leg up on the cooler, and listened to every word I had to say. When I finally stopped talking she asked if I was sure I didn’t want a drink, I laughed.
“How can you live like this?”
I finished my pulled pork sandwich and lit a cigarette. She asked me what I planned to do. I told her that I really wanted to move, but fuck was I ever scared to do so. She said that it seemed like I had everything to lose, I was the one changing my whole life. “What if it doesn’t work, do you know anyone else out there?” I really don’t, and she made a lot of sense. I sat there, putting out my cigarette and thinking.
I really do have to make the biggest investment here; I do have to change my whole life in order to do this. Do you know how fucking scary that is? It terrifies the shit out of me, I don’t know if you can understand. I will leave all my friends behind and take one of the biggest risks of my entire life, I don’t know if I have the balls. I know I said I would leave the over thinking and over analyzing behind but you have to understand, this is a huge fucking undertaking. There are a lot of things I’m worried about, namely, what happens if I can’t make it out there? Would she come to me? Am I worth that sacrifice to her? Would she take the same risk as I am about to?
I guess I’m not so sure…I guess that’s a question for another day.
“Kid you looked bummed.”
“I am a bit, not really…I guess a little maybe…but you know it is a lot to think about.”
She said that I need to look at it this way, “You can’t go through your life making or not making decisions that you are going to regret. You have to follow your heart.” She sat down on the cooler and told me that I have two choices…do it or chicken out. She said that the worst case scenario would be if I moved out there and things fell apart, at least I could come home with my tail between my legs and get on with it…but…at least I wouldn’t have anything to regret.
She was right, I can’t and I won’t go on living with a bunch of regrets for times I didn’t try when I should have. If this is meant to be, it will be and if not…well I’ll burn that bridge when I get to it. But now, for now I think my mind is made up. I’m going to take the leap of faith and pray that she will wait for me, deal with my immaturity and understand my dilemma. I’m going to hope that this turns out the way my heart wants it to and all I can do is wait.
Just wait…sigh…that’s all I can do.