Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Five Hundred Twenty Five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes

This will be the 23rd time I witness a new year’s birth.

This year has seen a friend and a brother die, a battle with drugs and drinking, a broken heart and some of the worst pain I have ever felt. I cried myself to sleep more times than one, almost drank myself to death more than once, lost a job and a few close friends. 2008 has proved to be the toughest year of my life.

One night in late April of this year I sat in my house, alone and drinking straight from the bottle. I remember putting a six inch line of cocaine up my nose and falling back on my couch. I couldn’t see any reason to keep breathing. I put the .45 to my temple and sat there thinking. I pulled the trigger back until I could feel the resistance, the line before the point of no return. I felt the tears running down my cheeks as I set the gun down on the table. What was I thinking?

I started writing this blog three days later. Three quarters of this year have been made public on this website. Over the past month I have read it from front to back and I have watched the author, who I no longer recognize, turn into a different person. Putting these moments into writing made them real, tangible, something I could touch.

So upon further consideration maybe 2008 wasn’t so bad after all. Sure I have seen pain, but so has everyone else. I have cried and clawed at my skin, but so has everyone else. I am no different, I’m just a whiner.

So tonight when I hear the multitude of celebratory gunshots as the clock passes midnight I am going to look at the past year differently than every other. Looking on the dark side has been my specialty, finding the negative is my game. But not this year.

I don’t really make resolutions, what’s the point? I think I have resolved to quit smoking for the past 9 years and every year it just gets worse. I’m therefore led to the conclusion that a few simple guidelines will do just fine.

Stop fucking whining. Stop fucking complaining. Stop fucking crying. Stop making excuses.

Just stop, slow down and let go of the constant worry that grips you.

Everything can change on a New Year’s Day.

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