Sleep eluded me for the duration of the night; I laid awake listening to her sleep. Just as elusive was the switch which turns off the swirling thoughts in my mind. She offered me anxiety medicine just after five, I turned it down before kissing her and telling her to go back to sleep. It was not anxiety haunting me; in fact I wasn’t being haunted at all. The tossing and turning was simply a product of the restlessness and excitement a man feels when he knows he is about to jump.
The last time I felt this was the summer before I left for college. There was sadness in knowing that soon I would leave the place I had come to call home but it was overshadowed by the excitement and promise of a new life. A new city, new people, somewhere to call home again, somewhere to push reset.
So this morning, in the moments before the sun rose, I drifted off thinking about the prospect of a fresh start.
Morning radio stirred my sleep as the alarm clock turned 7:00, the start of another day. I rolled over and remembered I was not alone. A sleepy smile greeted me when I opened my eyes, I felt my own creep onto my face. I pulled her into my chest and felt the warmth radiating from her body, kissing from collarbone to earlobe. She held me tightly as we slipped into another world, one second in time when everything is at ease.
She stood in my doorway, my blue fleece blanket clinging loosely to her naked figure. I leaned in and kissed her goodbye, hearing the lock click as I started down the stairs. The air was crisp, the sun bright and the sky blue as I lit my cigarette, my sore muscles aching as I got into my car. Music hung in the air and smoke, as always, trailed out the window toward the sun which beamed in my rearview mirror.
It was the exact same routine as every morning, yet it was completely foreign to me. The normal loathing of a day at work seemed somehow quieter today. I still had the same smile on my face, the one plastered on me like a fool since the moment I woke. Maybe it’s the fact that I had sex before work for the first time in months, or maybe it’s the fact that she is home waiting for me, even if it is for a ride to the airport. Maybe it’s the fact that my friends were jealous, not only of her looks, but of her charm. Maybe it was the dirty things we did to each other this weekend, or maybe it was the sweet and tender ones. More than likely it is all of them.
But what I find even more likely is that it is the fact that plans have been sketched out. Our logistical nightmare isn’t quite over but I have my fingers crossed and, no matter how foolish some may say it is, I have my hopes so high. I’m ready…I’ve been ready, I need to go. I would say something along the lines of “up up and away,” but the truth of the matter is my feet never have been on the ground.
I’m just enjoying my time in the clouds.