Sunday, September 25, 2011

The Other Side of the Coin

Last night I wrote about all the things I regret, miss and want.  Tonight I write about something different.  This is my space.  This is how I deal with my grief.

I hate you and I hate your family.  I bear my fair share of guilt, but let me be clear, if you or your family intended on sparing me and my family any hurt, you all failed miserably.  I have never seen such a lack of compassion in my life.  I honestly cannot believe I overestimated all of you as much as I did.  I really thought you guys cared about me.  As the details about how events went down while I was in the hospital I really realize that you guys decided to stop giving a shit about me and my family in an instant.

I think that it is totally gutless that you would not speak to my parents when you knew they were confused and terrified about what was happening to their son.  Had the coin been flipped, your family would not have suffered such treatment.  I don't often see my father cry, but he did when he made one of the better points I've heard in the past week.  They called you and you damn well knew they were so worried about their son, but you would not answer their calls.  That is heartless and cold.  Beyond that I find it utterly pathetic that you had your father respond for you.  I thought adults handled shit like adults but I guess I was wrong.

I almost started laughing when they told me that your dad sent an email late at night saying that you, "would not be available to them," when they needed help as you did in the past.  I laugh when I realize you and your family were actually holding important things, things that I needed for my well being and things I love as collateral until you got back your fucking EZ-Pass.  How utterly pathetic and lacking in compassion could you guys possibly be.  Like I said I now realize I greatly overestimated the character of you and your family.  I knew all along I would never live up to your parents standards, and quite frankly I don't think I could have ever lived up to yours either.  I wonder if any man will.  I truly wish you good luck in finding another one who will try as hard as I did.

Now I am not writing this to alleviate any of the guilt I feel for what happened or to shift the blame.  I just need to know that I am not the only one with a burden to carry here.  Let me spell this out very clearly.  You left me while I was in a mental hospital.  Actually you didn't leave me, you didn't have the guts to say it until I forced you to.  All you would say was, "I think you need to go home with your parents."  All that being said, you did it on the phone so honestly, grow some balls.  Come and tell me in person and face the consequences of your decision the same way that I have to face mine every morning noon and night.

You left me all alone in there, no way to call out, no one to cry with and no one to help pick me up off the ground.  We both know I had problems and that I wasn't confronting them, but you need to realize that you lied to me.  Had the coin been flipped, I would have stood by you until the very end and I think you know that.  I actually don't care if you believe that or not.  I do and I know it is true.

I find it pathetic that I had to find out from other people the real reason why you were, "asking me to go home with my parents."  I find it utterly heartbreaking that you didn't have the courage to help me in the time I needed it the most.  I know I hurt you a lot, but I now know this after the fact.  We both know that I could not see it either.  You should have said more and you should have listened when I told you that your family and their expectations were too much and that they were crushing me.  You just did not want to hear it.  Turns out in the end that you didn't care after all, we both know who was more important to you.  I left my family and friends for you.  You sat back and waited for a man to come and be molded into your perfect vision of a husband.  Sorry I couldn't live up to it, but at least I tried.  You fucking sat on your ass and reeled me in.

Sure your parents were kind enough to me at the time and they supported us, but in all actuality they only cared about you.  My father mentioned to me how seriously hurt he was that we had taken you into our home, broken bread with you and that you would not even do them the courtesy of telling them how I was doing or what was going on.  How spineless.

Again, I pause to mention that I recognize that I was not 100% behind my treatment, but leaving me in the shape you did was not at all something someone who loved another human being as much as you claimed to would do.  And let's just come right out and finish this, you fucking lied to me.  I asked all the time because I knew somehow in the back of my head that when I needed you the most or when things got tough you would cut and run.  Thank you for showing me your true colors.

The funny thing is that I am sober.  The funny thing is that I spend six hours every day trying to tackle my illness, guilt and grief.  I throw my all into it, and I do it for me.  Two weeks ago I wanted to do it for you.  But honestly, fuck you.  You and I both know that I would do anything for you, but we both know the same was not true for you.  You would have never left your comfy security blanket in New York in order to help me get a sense of peace even though you knew, or should have known since I said it so many fucking times, that it was eating away at me each day.

So you're right.  We both need to move on.  But I need to move on because I want nothing to do with you.  Like I said, you showed your true colors.  You ran like a child back to mommy and daddy when things got tough.  I had to swallow my pride and be forced to live with mine.  But I will rebuild and you know I will.  I am much stronger than you, I have been beaten, abused and left to hang out to dry so many times but here I sit.  I don't give a shit who believes me, I believe me, the people who truly know and care about me believe me and we all know it is true.  Call me delusional or tell me I'm trying to rationalize all you want, but you know that some of this burden is yours.

The difference between us, however, is that I will face my guilt and I will defeat it.  You will bury yours and blame me for everything.  And honestly, go right ahead, I want nothing to do with you.  The thing that is so funny to me and sad at the same time is that I know I will find another woman who will care about me as much as I cared about you.  You on the other hand will be hardpressed to find another like me who would give everything up for you, especially in that disgusting place you call "home."

So with that, I bid you good luck.  Like your dad so cruelly put it to me, "you play the hand life deals you."  Enjoy playing the lonely hand, and good luck finding someone who cares about you as much as I did and do ever again.  Don't forget, as your family never failed to remind me, your clock is ticking.  Mine is not.

Goodbye my love.  I hate you.