Wednesday, September 28, 2011

The Bitter Pill

I am sick.  I am an addict.  I am an alcoholic.  I fucking hate saying that, but I have to face the fact that it's true.  Much like the bracelet on my arm says, I am toxic.  There is one more thing that defines me at the current moment, utterly heartbroken.

So I went out with Molly last night and had an amazing time.  We went out for pizza and ended up back at her apartment down the road.  We sat listening to music for a while, and before long I found her in my arms.  We laid down on the couch and I held her for the better part of two hours.  I could tell she knew I had a raging hard on, and I knew we shouldn't be where we were.  I kissed her on the forehead and left, standing outside her apartment smoking cigarettes and trying to process what the fuck had just happened.

I came to the hospital today on an absolute emotional high, so naturally I shared it with the group.  A few hours later I found myself sitting face to face with my counselor, asking about this new relationship.  He immediately knew who it was, "you follow her around like a fucking puppy dude," he said to me.  I knew what he was going to say next, but for the love of God I did not want to hear it.  The sad truth is that I needed to.

The point was direct and honest.  "You are heartbroken and an addict, I normally tell people to wait one year sober before they engage in a new relationship," he said to me.  He asked me a ton of questions about where I saw this going and if I thought it was a good idea, it was obvious he did not.  Frankly, I knew in the back of my head it wasn't either.  He gave me an assignment, a very simple one, don't speak to her tonight and see how it makes me feel.  He said that it would help us both gauge how sick I really am.  I already fucking know how it is going to make me feel, therefore I am sick as fuck.

I sent her a text saying I was busy tonight and couldn't talk, as instructed, and am now sitting here with tears in my eyes as I write this.  I have just come out of the most serious relationship of my life, one that I thought would be the last I would ever have.  Now I am single, heartbroken and more fucking lonely than I have been in my entire life.  He told me a very simple statement, "you want her to be your new drug so you don't have to face the pain of being left."  He couldn't be more right.

I told him that all I wanted to do was go home, get drunk and smoke a fucking joint.  He said he already knew that, but all it was doing was casting a fog over me.  I had been using that fog in the past to hide from the hurt I have so constantly felt throughout my life.  He told me it is time to face the music, and that is was going to be more painful than any other pain I have ever experienced.  That's what scares me.  I have no comfort, no one to reassure me in the way that my ex did.  I am lonely, I am sad and I feel like I am trapped at the bottom of a well.  I am so sick of this pain, all I want to do is numb it out, but I can't.

For the first time in my life it is time to actually swallow the bitter pill and face my broken heart with a clear head.  I am a victim, he told me, and have been most of my life.  I said I'm fucking tired of bring the victim.  The only way to avoid being the victim again is to face my pain and to tackle it.  I am so scared and alone that I don't know if I can do this.  I feel betrayed on every level possible and I don't know how to get over it.  He told me that getting fucked up is just going to prolong the pain, and I know that is true, but I do not want to climb this mountain. 

I am tired.  Tired of this pain.  Tired of being the victim.  Tired of being the fuck up all the time.  I just need forgiveness and comfort and I know both of those are nowhere to be found.  I am going to be living with this misery for the next few years and I don't know if it will swallow me as it almost did a few weeks ago.  The trouble now is that the misery is multiplied by 1000%.  I was looking for comfort from Molly, but I now know that is the wrong place to be looking.  I have to look within to find it.  I have to man up and swallow the bitter pill.  I can only pray that I will be strong enough because right now I have never felt more weak.  I just want this to stop, but I know it won't. 

The bitter pill is that things are going to get significantly worse before they get anything close to better.  I just hope I am strong enough to fight this and win.  I guess it is time to put back on the armor I took off almost three years ago and prepare for war because this is going to be the fight of my life, in fact, this is going to be the fight FOR my life.  God help me I am so alone.  Please just walk me through this.  I cannot do this alone.