Monday, September 26, 2011

Anywhere But Here

I'm back with scars to show.
Back with the streets I know,
Will never take me anywhere but here.

-The Weakerthans

It's funny and I honestly thought I'd never say this, but I am so relieved that after almost nine years away I am living in Milwaukee again. Earlier tonight I was sitting in a small efficiency apartment with three of the men who were to be my groomsmen brewing a fresh batch of beer. For the first time in so long I felt comfortable. Comfortable enough to have only one beer. Comfortable enough to pass on the bowl. Comfortable to open up and not have to worry about what they would think of me.

Since I left Brooklyn a little more than a week ago I have really been realizing just how much I did not belong there. Too much stress, activity and traffic. It was slowly wearing me down, especially since I only wanted to be there because of the deep love I felt. God that's strange and sad to say, but honestly, after tonight I feel more at home than I ever did in Cincinnati or Brooklyn.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is it was just another act of love from a beautiful, intelligent and caring woman. Leaving me, that is. She knew better than any that I didn't belong in New York and she let me go. Maybe that wasn't her reason, but it turned out that way in the end. She sent me home, my real home, the place where more than one or two people love me. She sent me back to the town where I know everyone's name and they know mine.

Sure I've come back with many more scars in my head and heart, but I am back. It's so nice to say, "oh yeah, I have friends again."  It might seem strange, but the place I couldn't wait to get away from eight years ago is now the place I am happier than ever to be.

For that I owe you my greatest thanks. By letting me go, you let me go back to the place I love. Back with the streets I know will never take me anywhere but here, right?  That being said, I couldn't be more OK with that right now. There is nowhere on earth I would rather be than right here, even if it did take breaking my heart to get me to figure it out.

I always said I can only learn one way, the hard way. This was by far the hardest way to learn but it sure as hell taught me where my home is and where I truly belong.

Right here