Tuesday, September 27, 2011


So I met this girl named Molly in my PHP program.  It didn't take long before we were talking on breaks and exchanging phone numbers.  The trouble I am having right now is learning what it means to be single.  Does she want to be friends?  Does she want to fuck?  Does she want something real?  I have not a clue, and honestly I don't know what I want right now either.  I guess I really am still in shock.

I asked her if she would like to hang out tomorrow night and she said yes.  Let's just say my parent's basement is not the place to host a lady, so we are going out for dinner.  Now my primary reasoning behind pursuing this whatever the hell it is, is because I need someone to talk to about the hurt I have been through.  Someone who understands and won't judge me.  Someone who is clean and sober and can maybe offer me some sort of comfort.

Basically I just need a new friend, not to say that the ones I have are in any inadequate, but they hang out in bars and will occasionally hit the bowl.  I don't really need to be in either of those situations quite yet because I haven't mastered the skills I need to stay sober quite yet.  I'm hoping she might help me with that.  But honestly I think I am hoping for something more and I feel guilty for it.

All these people tell me that being single after so long is like being free, I couldn't disagree more.  I feel lost, not free.  When I was not single I knew the role I was supposed to play.  I wanted to protect her, care about her and eventually provide for her.  Most of all I wanted to love her, in the way she needed to be loved.  Right now, on the other hand, I have no idea what the fuck I am supposed to be doing as far as relationships with the opposite sex go.  I feel like I'm going through puberty again I'm so fucking awkward.

I don't know whether I should be out there trying to get laid or meet someone new, or whether I am supposed to be laying in my bed crying and being lonely.  Since I really had no idea that this was coming, I had no time to mentally prepare myself for being single.  I figured being single was over.  I was promised that no matter what, I would never be single again.  The fact of the matter is that I am just hurting so bad I don't know my ass from my elbows.  Over the past few weeks I have been coming to terms that I have been in some kind of pain for most of my life, a good amount of it caused by myself, but regardless; I do not know what it means to be happy anymore.

So that brings me back to where I started, Molly.  I don't know if I want to put another woman through what I just put the last one through, but I sure as hell don't want to be alone for the rest of my life.

My mom was telling me last night how much I remind her of her brother who died when I was 7.  She kept saying that I was exactly like him in the sense that I would reach my hand out to anyone who needed it, even at my own expense.  Too many times that hand has come back bloody.  Too many times I have trusted when my head was telling me that I should be more careful.  For Christ's sake, look where it got me.  I'm sitting in my parents fucking basement after eight years of doing it on my own.  What a lesson in humility, but we'll cover that topic at a later date.  In any case, after she finished telling me that, she told me that she believed it was the reason he never married, he had been hurt by too many women he put too much trust in. I can actually see myself headed in that direction for the first time in my life.

I am so fucking lonely and good God does it scare the shit out of me.  What the hell am I going to do now?