Thursday, May 19, 2011

Atlantic Ave.

It’s every fucking day with you isn’t it? 45 minutes every afternoon you are the bane of my existence. The fact that you are my only logical option to get home makes you even worse. I must say you are a worthy adversary, but good god do I despise you and it’s only partly due to the fact that you take me through the worst sections of Brooklyn. There is so much I hate about you that I had to fucking record it on my phone so I would remember what EXACTLY pisses me off about you so much.

So, without further ado…

We already covered the part where you are my only option home, so let’s move right along to your traffic situation. The funny thing is that since you have two and a half lanes (and I say that because of the randomly double parked cars in your third lane) you don’t actually have that much traffic…just enough to make the drive annoyingly frustrating for a 6 mile trip. Your poorly timed lights make sure that I have the privilege of sitting for every fucking homeless guy to have the chance to hassle me for change or a cigarette or god knows what.

When I sit on your street looking at the disgusting buildings covered in shitty looking gang graffiti (they look like they were done by blind people) I feel like puking, but not because of that…because of the fucking bus sitting right next to me blowing exhaust in my window. I have to say, I wish you had one ounce of beauty to look at because you are fucking disgusting. Your elevated LIRR tracks are as ugly as my ass and are constantly under construction thus causing the, for some unknown reason, necessary lane closure. To work on the tracks. Which are not in the street. Why do you need to close the fucking street? The tracks aren’t in the street. Honestly, the logic escapes me.

But moving on…

When I do actually get moving it is at an alarmingly fast rate which causes me to have to dodge your constantly changing craterous network of potholes…excuse me, potholes is not the word…fucking craters is the word. As if that wasn’t enough your asshole drivers (present company included) cut each other off to get one or two car lengths ahead like it’s a game. Mixed in with that are your general behind the wheel retards who just should not be on the road, who I constantly have to dodge like a fucking racecar driver. What’s up with those bastards turning right from the middle lane? Where are the cops? Where is the sense of courtesy? Where is the general fucking knowledge of how to operate an automobile? Where is the sensibility? What is wrong with you?

Happy now? You’ve gone and gotten me all worked up.

The thing about you is that every day I dread the turn which brings us together and every day I wish there was another way. You make me miss the days I used to drive down US 50 along the Ohio River with a cold beer or a nice joint, the windows open and the music blasting after a hard day’s work. I miss the trees and the river and the lack of traffic, let alone traffic lights. I miss the barges in the water, I miss the 50 MPH speed limit and I miss the constantly maintained roads.

But honestly, there is nothing worse than getting out of work knowing you and I are going to have a pissing match. I don’t really miss all that shit in Ohio that much, sure it was a nice drive but I wanted to get the fuck home and it was an easy drive. You are the complete and total opposite, the epitome of everything bad about an afternoon commute (aside from the short physical distance we spend together) and a general scourge of my being.

Well that about covers it I guess. Honestly I was just thinking in the car on the way home how much I fucking hate driving on you. I think you’ve cost me at least $1500 in car repairs since I’ve moved here, so yeah, I fucking hate you. See you tomorrow dick.

No comments: