I always tell people at work, "you know, I really did used to be a nice person." I usually follow that up with explaining how all this bad shit that has happened to me has turned me into a spitefully angry bastard. They always dismiss me as a whiner, but I know in my heart what I'm telling them is true.
I frequently talk to the shrink(s) about how poorly I react in times of confrontation or stress, mainly confrontation. Lately whenever someone gets in my face or when I get the sense I am being attacked (regardless of the situation) I respond with gloves off. I feel like a fucking bull charging after a red carpet while not having any idea why. A guy told me at work today, "you just don't think when you talk while you're angry and then you wish you could take it all back." Couldn't have said it better myself.
Getting back to the shrink, who says that I have essentially destroyed my flight reflex and am now geared toward the fight reaction whenever confronted. I explained in great detail how every time I've tried to be the nice guy and back down from a situation it has ended up fucking me in the long run. Once I tried to be a nice guy at a gas station; got my fucking face kicked in. Case in point.
Problem is, in a high stress industry like mine, you are going to encounter stress and confrontation on a daily basis. As my actions of telling my boss to, "suck my dick," today after telling me to do something that wasn't my job demonstrate, I am clearly in no position to adequately handle situations of conflict. This is going to fuck me in the long run at work. Sure I'll talk to the shrink about it tomorrow night and I'm sure she will up the dose of whatever shit she has me taking now, but I just wonder what the hell happened to that nice kid I spoke of earlier, the one who never needed drugs to be himself. I wonder what happened to the kid who people used to say would turn out to be a great employee, the kid who impressed his company so much during the interview that they called him twenty minutes after to offer him the job. I wonder what happened to the kid who used to laugh his way out of these situations and deal with them lightly. Now I'm just a medicated and miserable fuck who can't control himself like an adult.
Some fucking progress...
In any case, I'm sure that they are going to suspend me at work, after this being my third such insubordination incident in the past six months. Someone told me maybe it would be a good time to clear my head. That's the stupidest fucking thing I've ever heard, I've discovered there is no clearing this head. This anger never seems to go away. The rush to raise my voice and get confrontational is always in the back of my mind, some days I just can't control it.
Today was one such day, one of many lately. More and more this makes me wonder who the hell I am turning into. I never know when I wake up who I will be that day, Dr. Jeckell or Mr. Hyde.
Problem is, Mr. Hyde is gonna get my ass fired.