What I Left Behind

I knew it was going to be hard when I stood crying on Thomas’ porch before getting in the U-Haul with my Dad. I knew it would be hard when Ashlee cried when I told her and TJ it was certain I would be leaving in a month. They were excited for me, I was excited for me and I knew I would miss them. But until I got here and got settled in, I had no idea how hard losing my closest friends, once again, would be.

I had done this once before, when leaving Milwaukee for college, but making new friends in college is easy when you come equipped your first week with a giant bag of Wisconsin’s best weed. Moving to New York City on the other hand, not so easy. Between the time spent with Nic and the time spent at work it is nearly impossible to make new friends, much less become close to them. This fact has been taking a serious toll on my life since I’ve been here. I feel it is about to get worse.

I am going back to Cincinnati over Memorial Day weekend for the first time since I left, and was quite frankly shocked by the number of people texting and calling to say how excited they are to see me. I thought it would be only about 3 people who would come around, but apparently I was wrong…I am missed in Cinci. I have to be honest, that makes me feel good. Trouble is, I’ll be leaving on that Monday and probably won’t see any of them again for a year. I’ll get back here and remember that the closeness I have with my people in Cincinnati is sorely lacking with people in NYC.

I know it takes time, I am no fool, and without Nic I wouldn’t be able to do this at all, but the fact of the matter is that I need close friends. People I can trust and I know will have my back. Problem here is that no one has had the chance to earn that trust, I’ve just been too busy. But that always seems to be my story these days, doesn’t it? Too busy for this, too busy for that. At some point in time I am going to have to put more time and effort into bonding with the few decent friends I have here so that I don’t find myself in this same position in four years.

Because believe me, having no friends is no fun, it just adds to the stress and the sadness. Like I said I know this isn’t an overnight thing, but something has to change…I can’t keep living like this.