When I'm Like This

When I feel like this I just want to get high and play videogames. Chain smoke cigarettes and drink beer. Smoke something or take some pills to calm me down, keep me from thinking about…well about nothing, really. I don’t feel like talking, not to the boss or my friends or even my love. I just want to be alone, but at the same time I want to be held.

My thoughts are constantly racing, driving me insane with possibilities…er, possible problems. Then, next thing you know I’m so down I can’t even speak and can barely get out of bed. It comes and goes, medicine or no medicine. They are noticing at work, she is noticing at home and I am noticing when I close my eyes at night that something is wrong. The doctor tells me something is wrong…I think I finally believe her.

The trouble is that nothing really is wrong. I’m engaged, in a beautiful apartment and at a job that pays well, so what’s the issue you ask? I’m asking the same question. I feel like I just want to get in bed and hold her but at the same time I just want to be alone. What is wrong with me? Delaying dealing with all my issues has really come back to bite me in the ass. I’m working at it, but let me tell you…I just hope I can make it.