Validity

It is something I have been struggling with for a long time.  There have only been a few extended periods of time when I have really felt confident and sure of myself.  I can say that it doesn’t have any effect on me all I want and I might not be able to notice any, but I know it is there.  

I have this friend named Bill who is a good 20 years older than me.  I see him out pretty often when the little Milwaukee artist group gets together in the 3^rd Ward on the weekends.  The conversations tend, more often than not, to end up being about women.  Bill is always on me about not going up and talking to new girls in an effort to pick them up.  First and foremost, I have never been a “pick up” type guy so let’s just move on from that.  There are times, however, when things did just seem to fall into my lap, so to speak. 

I’ve been thinking about those few brief stretches when I seemed to have no problem meeting new girls since the last time I saw Bill.  What the hell was so different about those times than times such as…now?  The more I think about it, the more I consider my state of affairs during those times.  What was it that gave me the confidence needed to end up in casual relationships?  Honestly that is all I need right now; a warm body under me, not another long term situation.  Trouble is that I just don’t seem to have the motivation or the wherewithal to make it happen right now.  I keep thinking about it and I can only come to one conclusion.

I think I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that I feel like I am worth so much less than I was before everything in NYC ended and good god it hurts.  Whether or not I am right in feeling this way or not, I still feel like I obviously wasn’t worth her time.  I mean she left her fiancé over the phone with no sympathy; I never did get that ring back.  I just can’t see how she would do that to someone she supposedly loved, unless she really didn’t anymore and just saw me as so worthless that I wasn’t deserving of anything more than a five minute phone call while I was in the hospital.  

I’m not looking for pity or reassurance; I’m simply trying to put these feelings down.  I just can’t wrap my head around how she could drop me so easily if I was really worth it.  I’ll just put it plainly; I don’t think I was.  At one point in time I felt like I was, in fact having her love me was a huge validation of my worth, but slowly it began to erode until it finally fell apart.  

I guess that’s why I find myself going home alone at the end of the night after everyone has paired off and headed back to fuck.  I have the inherent belief now that I am not worth it, why would I bother wasting someone else’s (or my own) time.  I tell you what, whether she meant it or not, the manner in which she did away with me continues to hurt.  

Some kind of payback, I know I messed a lot up and could have done better but I didn’t think I deserved this.  I feel like a shell of myself.  Here’s to another great year…