Or Lack Thereof...

There isn't really anything to say. Sorry doesn't cut it, it never has. I know it, you know it, let's just get down to brass tacks. There's no point in mounting some feeble defense or making excuses for actions I wish I never made. Words really have no meaning, especially since I've gone and devalued them to the point I have.

What can I say?

My dad told me a long time ago that when you lose the trust of someone you love it is never fully regained. It will forever be a shell of what it once was, shoes too big to grow into. A liar thinks about these words endlessly.

How do you go back in time and fix what you've done, the things you regret most? You don't. You can't. You can't just repair something like trust, once it's gone it never comes back the way it used to be. It's just that fucking simple. Might as well get used to the way you're going to be looked at from now on...the lack of respect you see in the eyes you love. Them, forever seeing someone new, someone ugly, someone wholly undeserving.

The only thing I can think about is the million ways I want to die, the ways I wish I could weasel out of how you will look at me from now on. The ways I can bitch out of my responsibility. It's funny because you could point a finger at me and say, "look at what you've done," while I have none to point back. I have nothing. You've never done anything wrong. I guess that just shows you the difference in character here...or lack thereof

So I guess it leads me back to what I've thought about myself all along, what I've always known to be true. I'm no man, it is time to stop pretending. A man does not act like this. A man is honest, a man is good...I am far from either. One wonders why I even bother trying to figure out what it takes to be a good man when I all I see is how far I am from being one.