It’s the nagging feeling I get in the back of my mind when I
leave things unfinished that propelled me.
I spent the last few weeks trying to come up with a summary of
everything that has happened between then and now. Haven’t had much luck in that regard, only
thing that really comes to mind is nothing which is not a bad thing to be
thinking about, it seems to me. All
things in their right place.
I hadn’t actually applied for the job; in fact I hadn’t
updated my resume online for nearly six months.
They came looking for me, which was surprising in and of itself and I
figured I’d give them a shot. Took them
fucking forever to get back to me each time there was a break between HR
questioning and phone interviews. Nearly
a month later and I’m sitting in a conference room in “downtown” Racine with a three
hour panel interview ahead of me. I
quite wanted to smack the shit out of the idiot who kept asking questions only
to bury his head into his BlackBerry when I gave my answer. “I’m really going to report directly to this
guy,” I thought?
It wasn’t more than 3 days before some guy in PA was on the
phone telling me that they not only wanted to exceed my salary requirements by
15K, but that they wanted me to start immediately. “Who just up and offers that much money (10K
more than I was making in New York) without even trying to negotiate,” I said
to my dad, “for a company so concerned with cost cutting you’d think they would
be a bit sterner, wouldn’t you?” It was
that other nagging feeling in the back of my head (the one I had finally
stopped ignoring) that led me to look a bit deeper into the company making the
offer.
“If it sounds too good to be true, it sure as hell is.”
“Trust me, I’ve learned that lesson.”
The network of people I know in the greater Milwaukee area
far exceeds that of the past two cities I called “home,” so gathering a little
intel on working conditions there was not difficult. 60+ hour weeks, most Saturdays, constant
shouting and belittling, managers who sacrifice their team members to benefit
themselves not to mention that 50 mile one way trip made it sound a lot like
another shit hole I used to work in.
That money though, damn, I have had a really tough time recovering from
the purchases that bitch kept when I got the boot. I could really use that money.
I’m thinking about it one afternoon driving home, thinking
about the summary (or lack there of) I had put together of life in the past
nine months or so. An extreme amount of
effort was put into keeping this new life of mine stress-free at work, with
women and among friends. I had to admit
every bit of that effort was paying off; I had been having more fun since
September than I had in the entire time I was in New York. I was happy to go to work for once, ok with
turning down someone and totally free of anger for the first time in so
long. Did I really want to jeopardize
that for money? I took the risk for a
woman once (something seemingly much more valuable) and that turned out to not
be worth it at all. In fact, all it did
was cause pain and a permanently bitter spot on my heart.
I let them wonder on the first two days before the 4th
and finally called them back on the 5th to tell them that I couldn’t
take the job. “No, more money or
vacation time wouldn’t change my mind; I was happy where I was.” That was the god honest truth, it might not
be perfect here but I know what I’ve got and I enjoy it. I’m happy now, not perfectly content, but
happy. Happiness cannot be bought or
moved to, trust me I’ve tried.
I actually felt a nice ease about me after I made that
decision. Some might lay awake thinking about
the money that they left on the table but not me. I have spent more than enough time with the
ol, “what if,” bullshit.
That choice and the way it was handled are a microcosm of
the way I’ve been operating around big decisions these days. I have me and only me in mind when I
deliberate these days. I don’t think
about pleasing a girl or impressing her impossible family at my own expense
anymore. I don’t think about doing
anything to get out of a less than ideal situation anymore. I make the decisions that are going to
benefit me and I don’t give fuck all about anyone else. Maybe that was they way I was going about it
before but this time I know it flat out and I don’t have anyone to sell it to. Call it selfish if you wish, I call it
self-preservation.
Besides, “the first and only love is self love,” or so the
last fortune cookie I ate told me.
When I think about a lot of the nonsense on this blog I realize
that a good part of it is me struggling to deal with the way that things in my
life affected me. Always in a
reactionary state I was, never thinking forward. I’ve laid numerous precedents to the contrary
now, those days are gone.
I guess that brings me back to the summary I thought I
should put together. Nothing, which is
basically what had happened since late September last year. Nothing was all I could think of. No problems at work, no girl arguments, no
blacking out, no drunken driving incidents, no crazy drug deals gone wrong, no
fist fights, no complicated multiple relationships, no constant worrying about
appeasing the unappeasable…no more broken hearts. Kinda seems to me at this point, that the past
few years of my life have had some good times but they have been overshadowed
by some of the worst things I’ve ever experienced.
Perhaps I should try again.
I’ve gotten a new job where I’m respected, albeit not paid a
whole lot. I’ve gone on some awesome
road trips with my friends and gotten closer to them than any time in the past
10 years. I’ve had some great casual sex
where no one felt obligated when the clothes were back on. I’ve been promoted, twice. I’m moving into a kick ass house with a good
friend. I won my fantasy football league. I’ve been disc golfing more than I have since
I graduated high school. That’s just the
stuff I could come up with in a minute or two, you see, things have been going
great. For once I’m defining time passed
on good things and not just because nothing bad has happened. It’s because I want to.
There is just one thing that serves as the only cloud left
in the sky: Nicole. I would be a liar to
say I don’t still think about her most days.
I can’t quite help it when music plays such a strong role in calling up
old memories. Did you think I was going
to stop listening to the same songs we used to love together? I didn’t think so; you deal with the emotions
a song brings up. It is what makes some
songs mean so much more than others.
It doesn’t hurt like it used to anymore, that big black open
wound in my chest that she left me with, but it does burn from time to
time. I’ve gotten pretty good at
disregarding the bad memories we had in favor of the good times as I’d like to
remember her fondly. Some things ($)
make it harder than others, but all in all she is one of the only good memories
I have of someone I used to love. I
don’t much care anymore if she doesn’t think about me, write me or use my name
in reciting old stories for her friends.
I’m too concerned with myself and I’ve no shame in saying I still tell
stories about us, still think about our times and still wish I could at least
say hi. No matter, though, I’ve got
plenty of other things to think about and do.
If that time comes, it comes. If
it doesn’t, it doesn’t.
There is probably a lot more to say, but not a whole lot I
feel like writing down. Maybe this is
finally the “riding off into the sunset,” ending I was looking for here, maybe
not. Maybe we’ve got the whole
connotation of what riding off into the sunset actually means. It is no guarantee of better days to come,
simply a guarantee that more days will come and I’ll be here to face them.
I’ll put this to bed now; there are a few of you out there
that I’ve truly enjoyed knowing over these past years and I hope the few of you
know that. I can say I wouldn’t be where
I am right now without you all and, for better or for worse; I wouldn’t change
a goddamn thing. Yeah, I miss talking to
a certain West Coast friend and I won’t lie and say I don’t miss the
relationship Nic and I had before it all went wrong. Yeah, there was a lot of pain that came from
this but there was much more growing.
And yeah, before you ask, it all still stings a bit…but I
guess that’s how I know it was real.
