Day by Day

"Victory belongs to the most persevering." Napoleon Bonaparte.

So apparently me telling my boss to, "suck my dick," didn't go over so well with my company's human resources department, being that they suspended me for five days without pay. The real kicker was the letter telling me that if any (stress induced, mind you) outbursts occur again I will be, "subject to immediate termination and removal from the payroll." Now, I haven't gotten into how insanely stressful and poorly managed my company is, but take my word when I say you wouldn't believe some of the stories I could tell you about this place. Trouble is that with my triple diagnosis of PTSD, Anxiety Adjustment Disorder and Panic/Paranoia Disorder, I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Now I'm not listing these diagnoses to try and make some sort of excuse here, before all these doctors I honestly just thought I was fucking nuts (see every other post I've written for further reference on that subject). The thing is, before all these new co-pays and, "uh, about half hour to forty five minutes behind schedule," doctors, I had no idea how to help deal with what was happening in my mind. For a long time I treated it with drugs and drinking, which gradually evolved into an anger outburst issue...the ,"suspended for five days without pay," type. Now that I'm on low-dose medication, thinking before I speak and learning to cope with stress, things have gotten better.

I spent that week off readjusting my attitude and preparing myself for the bombardment of stress that would be coming my way when I came back, but let me be clear, I did all that so I would be ready for battle. They expected me to return with the same arguments and the same negative attitude, but they were wrong. I was ready for them. I know I have to be their "yes man," but if that's what it takes then so be it. Since I came back last Thursday I have worked every single day (unpaid weekends, mind you) and busted my ass while keeping my cool and proving them wrong...at least for now.

Today I went into the HR guy's office to hand in my 401K paperwork and mentioned to him that I had a good week and had adjusted my attitude as instructed. He told me, "It's a day by day process for you," meaning, "If you fuck up tomorrow, your ass is history." So be it, I knew I was stepping back into the fire at 7:00 AM last Thursday and I knew it wasn't gonna change anytime soon.

Like I said, I spent that week off preparing for battle and readying my mind. I plan on keeping this red-alert in my mind for as long as it takes, they will not get the best of me, I will not allow them. The point is, they will not beat me, I will not be defeated and maybe I'll win them over in the process.

But please let me make this very clear one last time, they will not beat me...they will not fucking beat me.

Fight or Flight

I always tell people at work, "you know, I really did used to be a nice person." I usually follow that up with explaining how all this bad shit that has happened to me has turned me into a spitefully angry bastard. They always dismiss me as a whiner, but I know in my heart what I'm telling them is true.

I frequently talk to the shrink(s) about how poorly I react in times of confrontation or stress, mainly confrontation. Lately whenever someone gets in my face or when I get the sense I am being attacked (regardless of the situation) I respond with gloves off. I feel like a fucking bull charging after a red carpet while not having any idea why. A guy told me at work today, "you just don't think when you talk while you're angry and then you wish you could take it all back." Couldn't have said it better myself.

Getting back to the shrink, who says that I have essentially destroyed my flight reflex and am now geared toward the fight reaction whenever confronted. I explained in great detail how every time I've tried to be the nice guy and back down from a situation it has ended up fucking me in the long run. Once I tried to be a nice guy at a gas station; got my fucking face kicked in. Case in point.

Problem is, in a high stress industry like mine, you are going to encounter stress and confrontation on a daily basis. As my actions of telling my boss to, "suck my dick," today after telling me to do something that wasn't my job demonstrate, I am clearly in no position to adequately handle situations of conflict. This is going to fuck me in the long run at work. Sure I'll talk to the shrink about it tomorrow night and I'm sure she will up the dose of whatever shit she has me taking now, but I just wonder what the hell happened to that nice kid I spoke of earlier, the one who never needed drugs to be himself. I wonder what happened to the kid who people used to say would turn out to be a great employee, the kid who impressed his company so much during the interview that they called him twenty minutes after to offer him the job. I wonder what happened to the kid who used to laugh his way out of these situations and deal with them lightly. Now I'm just a medicated and miserable fuck who can't control himself like an adult.

Some fucking progress...

In any case, I'm sure that they are going to suspend me at work, after this being my third such insubordination incident in the past six months. Someone told me maybe it would be a good time to clear my head. That's the stupidest fucking thing I've ever heard, I've discovered there is no clearing this head. This anger never seems to go away. The rush to raise my voice and get confrontational is always in the back of my mind, some days I just can't control it.

Today was one such day, one of many lately. More and more this makes me wonder who the hell I am turning into. I never know when I wake up who I will be that day, Dr. Jeckell or Mr. Hyde.

Problem is, Mr. Hyde is gonna get my ass fired.