I'm just hoping it doesn't go anything like this.
Wish me luck
So driving the last few minutes to my apartment I thought to myself, “Who really does care?”
Short answer: no one.
Think about it.
No one cares about the motherfuckers who get blown up daily in some sandbox hell on the other side of the planet. No one cares about the ones who lost their houses, shit we don’t even care about the people who never had one in the first place. No one cares about the people I see standing outside the unemployment office by my work. No one cares about…fill in the fucking blank. Look, for every one person who has serious problems such as these I’d be willing to bet there are ten fuckers who don’t give a shit at all.
Take a minute and think about that. We are concerned with our own shit, our own kids, our own finances etc. We are self-absorbed, self-aware, self-righteous and we have no qualms about it. Think about it, my friends, we bloggers are the worst offenders. We bitch…and bitch…and bitch about our problems which are mostly (in my case at least) self-inflicted. We whine for sympathy like a dog who whines when he has to piss, and I am the worst of all. Now before you click off this page with a “fuck this bastard” attitude in your head, hear me out.
I’m not that big of a pessimist.
I was watching the NBC Nightly News with my main man Brian Williams on the night before I drove to
“Who gives a fuck?”
Oh yeah, I know that is some pretty harsh shit, but you need to understand where I’m coming from here. Don’t you think for one second that I don’t have feelings for the people who die in random plane crashes, in fact my uncle John died in this one here. I was seven, I had no idea what the hell it meant or just how gruesomely horrible it must have been, but now I get sad thinking about the uncle I hardly even remember anymore. I feel for these people, the ones who lost someone close but more so for the ones who will never know them. “So why is this asshole saying he doesn’t give a fuck about the 3407 dead?”
To make a point.
I don’t give a shit because everyone else on earth gives too much of a shit. You know what else happened on
Why are the people on flight 3407 so much more important than the ones who were ripped limb from limb on that same day in
Forty one dead, not forty…oh well, just another number.
We have been completely desensitized. They called flight 3407 a “tragedy,” but made no mention of “tragedy” when talking about our splattered friends in
So let’s come full circle, shall we? We are back to our homeless man on
Hard times = bad situations. Bad situations + good people = bad news. Bad news = noteworthy news. Noteworthy news (bad situations + good people) = sympathy. Too much sympathy + too much noteworthy news = apathy.
Apathy = Who gives a fuck?
So, my dear pupils, where does this leave us? Straight in the shitter. But wait, there’s more!
Let’s get back to my NBC news broadcast. Depressing news, apathetic population and pissed off Cheese was the only product of said newscast. I was thinking it out to myself and the question I kept coming to was, “What happens when we all really just don’t give a fuck anymore?” Well I’ll give you the short and long answer all wrapped up in one.
What happens is that I board myself up in my apartment with rations, water and ammunition while sleeping with my gun and waiting for the evil zombie poplutaion to come and eat my brains. Ok well maybe that isn’t quite what would to happen, but you get my point. When we stop caring…everything goes wrong.
Now, where were we? Oh right, depressing newscast that made me hate humanity.
But then there was that final story, the one that had me singing Brian William’s praises the whole way to Columbus even though he had nothing to do with it…I just love that dude.
That very same day,
So look at my point now…all ripped to shreds and full of holes, apparently people still do care. Ah, but now you realize the point I have been making all along, don’t you? This world needs people who care for and love their fellow human being. This world is a shithole and too many people lead lives of despair and hardship, we need each other. I’m not asking for money or tears or sympathy…I’m just asking that you give a fuck.
Please…just give a fuck.
Remember that the guy who won’t be coming home to his children because a suicide bomber killed him in
So just remember that when you pass the homeless guy with a sign wearing tattered shoes as you head home from your . Just remember that there are people out there who have it way harder than you and I…even though they breathe the same air and weep the same tears. Just remember that we are social animals, we are animals of community and not caring goes against our very nature. This is not Survivor, this is not last man standing…this is us…HUMANITY…in this together and don’t you ever forget that.
So like I said; I’m not asking for your money, tears or sympathy…I’m just asking you to give a fuck.
At this moment exactly twenty four years ago a woman, barely an adult herself, lay on a surgical table in a hospital on a cold night in
I don’t really know what to say. To be honest I wrote that paragraph above, got up to get a glass of wine and didn’t know what to say when I sat back down. I must have started fifteen different sentences. What am I supposed to talk about? I feel like I am obligated to say something, I mean isn’t it normal to remind people of one’s birthday in some sick attempt to get people to suddenly care about you for a second or so? I thought about writing about the hard times of the past year and I thought the prospect of this new year. I also thought about how incredibly boring that was to write about, let alone read. I thought about writing a lot of shit, but when I sat down to write it nothing happened. Fingers moved, words appeared but what I was trying to say was not what I was reading.
I have absolutely no fucking idea what is going to happen this year, just the same as anyone, but I have this burning feeling in me telling me that this time it’s do or die. I’m still feeling obligated, staring at the ceiling, wondering what to say. I have mastered the art of self pep talks to the point where I could be a motivational speaker for neurotics I don’t have anything to say though. It’s strange, every year at this time for as long as I remember I had a chat with myself about becoming the man I grew up wanting to be. Unfortunately I don’t have memories from that age so I don’t necessarily remember what I wanted to grow up to be.
This is an absolutely terrible post, isn't it? This is the epitome of bad writing...hey...I'm sorry. Doesn’t it read like is has been forced? That’s fucking pretty damn annoying. In fact you know what else is pretty damn annoying? I am. Seriously, do you ever ask yourself, “Why the fuck am I reading this crap?” Hey, its ok, sometimes I do too. It’s ok…hey…we’re still cool. I know…I know it’s alright. Really I don’t even know what the fuck I’m writing anymore, I just read the last few sentences and thought, “I. Am. Retarded.” I know I was trying to make a point when I started writing this but I completely forgot what that point was, and hey I’ll tell you I think I remember it being a pretty damn good one. However, like I said, this point we speak of is completely fucking evasive. Right. I think the point that I was trying to make was that all I want for christmas…wow…I mean my birthday is not forcing my fucking writing.
You know, I was going to post this just now but I got up to get another glass of wine before doing so, and in a moment of clarity, while staring at an old LBJ speech on public television, I decided that I rather like sitting here and reading I mean writing complete utter nonsense. Sometimes I wish that I had a device that was hooked into my brain, maybe through my ear or some shit that recorded some of my thoughts. Not all of them, you know because I think about a lot of stupid shit, like Brett Favre and guns and how Microsoft Word puts the squiggly red line under Favre to tell me that I misspelled it. Hey fucking Bill Gates, I didn’t misspell it you bastard, that’s how it is…bastard. You know the more I think about it I really do enjoy my birthday. This is my day to be a complete fucking moron and people are totally cool with it. It’s almost like some fucking hypnotizing effect, I can do the stupidest shit and people will just say, “It’s his birthday, man.” I think I remember hearing that once before bonging a 16oz Solo cup full of vodka once. Although that might not even be my memory, I can’t remember.
Ok so the point that I’m trying to get at is that I can’t believe you are still reading this, just about as much as I can’t believe I’m still writing this, just about as much as I cant believe I’m just going to post this with out reading it, just about as much as I can’t believe how neurotic I am about writing, just about as much as I can’t believe how many times I just said “just about as much” in this terribly onrunning sentence.
I should probably go to bed.
The flight was scheduled to arrive at ; she said she needed a few minutes to get ready so pick her up at quarter till. My suit fit a little tighter than the last time I had worn it; I flicked my cigarette, tightened my tie and took off my coat as I walked into the hotel lobby.
“I have reservations.”
I threw my jacket on the bed and stood surveying the room. I stared at myself in the mirror as I brushed my teeth; a different man stared back at me with icy blue eyes.
It had always been a forbidden fantasy, something hidden away from the world…lest they see me as a deviant. The foul things hidden in the depths of my subconscious had been beckoned back to life. I had been in the grips of temptation before but valiantly I had resisted. I had pushed back the filth and sin, hiding it from the light and keeping it from reality.
This time was different.
She named her price, half up front, half after, plus the cost of travel. I deliberated for days, weighing the risks and consequences to no end. What to do…what to do? She sold herself like I sell my business: professional, methodical…efficient. She was devious; pulling things from me that had never been given words before. I was a tough sell.
“If you don’t like what you get you don’t have to pay the other half,” she said, “but I’m sure you won’t be disappointed.” I realized that the angel on my shoulder was making his last stand, trying to hard to keep me from the abyss. It was too late…my mind had been made up.
“Deal. I want high heels, knee high stockings and a short dress with your tits spilling out the top.”
My stomach was in my throat as I pulled out of the hotel parking lot, I reached for my phone:
how will i know it is you?
black coat red stripe.
be out in 15 minutes.
I circled the terminal, passing under the sign reading "Arrivals/Baggage Claim"; I couldn’t believe what I was doing. I drove past the hugging couples and elated parents, their kids home from school, before I spotted her standing by the trash can. She was as advertised. I pulled up. She started toward the car. I didn’t get out. She asked if it was me. I replied an affirmative.
Her perfume hit me as she climbed into the car, I couldn’t look at her at first…Lord knows I didn’t know what to say. I awkwardly said hello, she replied with the confidence of a queen.
Fuck was she hot.
Few words were spoken, but the glances were piercing…I felt the growth in my pants. She told me to pay her when we got to the room. She told me that anything goes; there were only three rules:
Don’t spit in my face.
Don’t slap my face.
Don’t you dare kiss me.
“Break any of the three rules and I’m gone, you got it?” I understood clearly.
She sat smoking in my passenger’s seat, an air of self-assurance surrounding her. Her coat was buttoned up and her stockings were pulled up to her knees. I instructed her to open her coat and let me see what I paid for. She reminded me that her sole purpose was me. Besides, I was paying for it; she did not come all this way to disappoint.
The dress was trashy, green with rhinestones below the breast line. It was short and tight, as requested her tits spilled out the top. She reached over and felt the bulge swelling in my pants. I did not touch her. I only looked. She dipped her fingers inside her panties, withdrawing them and holding them to my lips. She tasted sweet.
I took a deep breath and as the door shut behind us I exhaled deeply, I still didn’t know what to say. I told her to take off her coat and I stood there staring at her. I had gotten what I asked for. I gave her the money and she told be to sit down in the chair she had positioned in front of the full length mirror on the wall. Before I could react I was out of my clothes sitting in the chair looking in the mirror at her back as she bobbed up and down on my cock. I couldn’t believe what I was doing. I had never been with a woman like this; she pulled on me hungrily, earning her wage to the best of her abilities. My eyes rolled back into my skull as I let my senses take over.
After a moment I grabbed her by the shoulders and stood her up, taking off her slutty dress before tossing her onto the bed like a rag doll. She bounced onto the mattress, staring at me like I was an animal. I told her I wanted a professional to teach me something. I put my tongue to her clit and worked it up and down slowly, with a firm surface. She reacted ever so slightly as my fingertips traced from her knees to her pelvis via her thighs. I saw her neck crane in pleasure.
“Oh sugar…you don’t need any lessons.”
I felt my licking and sucking becoming more urgent as I rammed four fingers into her. “She is used to this,” I thought, “She can take it.” I looked up to see her staring down at me, there was a look in her eyes. It almost seemed real, but I knew the hunger was not for me…it was for my money.
“Sugar, I need you inside of me.”
I pushed in raw, and against my better judgment I was fucking a whore without a condom. She told me she was clean but how was I to know? Maybe that was half the fun…the risk. It was so unlike the love I made to my girlfriend. There were only sounds and sensations. I felt the sex act reduced to a simple economic function, devoid of emotion. Currency to be traded and bartered, an exchange of goods and services. I pounded into her, feeling her nails dig into my back as her teeth sank into my shoulder. The pain ran through me, mixing with the pleasure to complete the cycle.
At once she was on top of me, slamming herself down onto me, but in one violent instant she stopped and stared at me. “This isn’t why you hired me is it?” I told her she was right. “You hired me to do things to you that you are ashamed to admit to the world, things you’re ashamed to want and things you’re ashamed to love.” She was right…as much as I didn’t want to admit it she was right.
I didn’t know what she was doing as she told me to roll onto my side, relax and shut my eyes. I heard the familiar sound of a bottle of lube squirting out onto her hand. My mind raced, I didn’t know what was happening and then I felt it.
Violating, disgusting, wrong, vile and sinister.
She pushed in a bit further as I regained some control of my muscles. What was happening? I looked down to see the line of precum extending from the tip of my throbbing cock down to the comforter. I rolled over and she put me into her mouth, it was a sensation I will never forget. I felt her becoming more urgent as she violated me. Soon insults were flying out of her mouth, degrading me and making me feel hollow. She cut me to the core with her words and I liked it…no, I loved it.
At once she was on top of me, the toy still in my ass. I felt disgusting, I was ashamed, I felt like a faggot and a queer. She assured me that she thought the same way.
“What kind of a man pays a woman to do these things to him, huh?”
“What kind of a man begs to be fucked in the ass while he cock is being worked by my pussy, huh?”
“Disgusting vile piece of shit, you make me sick.”
I remember the animal taking over; I could feel it in my eyes. I pulled her hair back to the point that I knew it hurt, she squealed and I quickly choked it out with my hand clenching her throat. She gasped for air as I studied her reaction, letting go as it flooded her lungs. She stared back at me, the fight fresh in her eyes. I reminded her that she was mine I had paid her to do what I wanted. She complied, redoubling her efforts up and down on my cock.
I felt it building slowly in my legs, every insult and slur only egging me on. It was coming faster; I clenched harder and pulled her hair back mercilessly. She begged for it, just like a whore would, I pulled out and she rushed to my cock. Wave after wave of cum shot into her throat, she tried to pull back but I only shoved her down onto it harder. I had paid for this and I was going to get what I paid for. She made choking sounds as I felt myself coming down.
I pushed her off of me, suddenly disgusted with what I had just done. I did not touch or look at her as I stepped in to the bathroom; I gazed into the mirror seeing the same unfamiliar figure staring back at me with his icy blue eyes.
I ran the water warm and let it collect in the sink before splashing it onto my face. I pushed the lever and watched the liquid spiral down the drain along with the man I had just been.
I entered the bedroom to find someone completely different lying naked under the covers. I walked up to her and gave her a long kiss before pulling away to survey the change from whore to lover. I stared into her big brown eyes and leaned into kiss her again, lingering a little longer than normal to take in her scent.
“Is the game over, “she asked?
“That’s why I’m kissing you, dumb ass.”
I climbed into her arms, taking note of the difference between the hooker who was there minutes earlier and the woman I was now loving. Our game ended and I had finally gotten the part I was waiting for all along. The build up was raw and sexual but I knew the release would be sweet and intimate. Simple, effortless and natural:
I was again in the arms of my girlfriend, my woman and my love.
Sometimes we put ourselves into extraordinary situations, situations in which none could reasonably be expected to thrive. There is a struggle in our minds that is understood by us alone. There is a secret frustration, subtle but constant, lurking in the shadows, one that never fully emerges and never quite takes shape. Out of your grasp, it seems so elusive, yet you reach nonetheless. A panic grips, I see it in your eyes. I know it well, for I have seen it in my own.
Do you think that for a moment that fear can subside? Or is there a point when it takes over and never relinquishes control? Did you consider the importance of this battle? No one’s fear ever dies, no man is fearless, but to let fear reign is to fall defeated and ashamed.
Where red meets white I finally realized what I was looking at, I understand what I see. Imperfect yet not in the same regard. Strong yet vulnerable, just like me. There are things in our heads that tell us what to do. Words that do nothing other than complicate the mind and create a fog. A spinning circle that will never let us go. We are ordinary, just like everyone.
In the end though we are not. Ordinary is my greatest fear, it keeps me up at night. I know that I am not ordinary and that being said, neither are you. This is an extraordinary situation, ordinary people would not thrive.
But you and I, my dear, are far from ordinary.
The feeling comes almost instantaneously. The sensation radiates in your brain, washing out the clutter as a wave erases footprints from the sand. There is never such a moment of clarity as the one gained in the tenderness of a touch. All the insignificant worries of the day disappear; the mind is simple and focused. Pleasure floods the brain, senses heighten and eyes focus, no worries about the past or future plague you. Nerves spark as the body responds to the warmth of the flesh, melting away your cares. Time stands still as you surrender to her.
I have never experienced such a feeling of simplicity.
I remember what it feels like to have her near. The smell of her perfume hangs so vividly in my mind, leaving me glimpses of her. She faced away from me, laying on her side, as I traced the subtle changes in her figure. I remember her smile greeting me as she turned into my chest; she raises her hand to my face.
I remember sound becoming clear and my vision sharpening as I felt myself slip away. Decisions were simple. Kiss. Grasp. Suck. Bite. I thought of nothing. The sensation in my muscles took over as body pacified mind. Snapshots of the hunger in her arms as we tangled under the blankets still my mind. I thought not of pain nor of fear, my brain focused on the one before me.
The memories never accurately describe the feeling, never capture the power. Her eyes stare back up at me, piercing into me. She pulls me down and whispers to me, I bury myself in her chest, still as one. We lay in silence, time passes, the moment gains control of the mind.
Alive like I had never been. I could feel my heart beating and my eyes growing heavy as we lay there smiling. Fear and worry held so much power over me, I was paralyzed, she saw past that...taking me in spite of the risk.
The same feeling surges through my body every time she is near…calm. There is an undeniable urge for silence, a time to stop the insanity in both our heads. No thoughts of if it can work, how will we change or what does this mean…just the simple, burning ache for touch. So I lay there in silence, the sensation still clings to my skin where her fingers once moved. It is so much more than anything else on earth.
The next day I wake up to her asleep next to me, I watch her so peaceful, chest rising and falling. The euphoria is still fresh in my brain and the worries of the normal day remain distant, kept at bay. Something changes in my brain; as if the burden never existed. With her there is no slate to be erased; no list of grievances, no grudge is a cornerstone. It is beyond good, I know now that I need it, time and again.
There is no clarity like that which waits in her arms. The rush of blood from her touch and the sudden urge to have her dominate my waking life. The taste of her skin as she clings to mine…primal, instinctive and cohesive, but most importantly, liberating. Everything washes away; she digs through the layers and defenses and takes what is hers. Simple, clear and lucid. We are humanity in its rawest form.